You Never Know What The Future Holds

I will soon be the wife of a police officer.  It sounds weird.  I'm still not sure it has sunk in that come September Brian will not be going back to his teaching job and my life will not return to the normal I had become accustomed to.  I think maybe that is part of the reason why this transition period is so hard for me.  There really is no end to the change.  It's not like once he is finally home from training our life will go back to the way it was.  Our schedule as a family will be forever altered.

I can't say I'm not sad about that.  I am mourning the loss of that life.  I'm not exactly sure what our new life is going to look like.  In his new job, Brian is going to encounter many new potentially life-altering experiences.  He will potentially see death up close ... violence ... he will be faced with some of the worst people society has to offer ... terrible things done to innocent children.  I'm afraid those experiences are going to change him.

Now I know what you're thinking ... we don't exactly live in a thriving metropolis where violence is running rampant.  I realize this.  But the thought of my husband being faced with those situations and having to deal with them ... I'm not sure how I can relate to that.  I'm not sure if I can relate at all.

Part of Brian's training involved being shot with a tazer.  He came home on Friday armed with a video of the ordeal.  He sat down with Kadin and Bella and wanted to show them this video of him getting shot with a tazer.  I was appalled ... why in the world would you want to show our children a video of you being physically hurt????  He asked me if I wanted to watch it ... ummm ... no ... was my immediate answer.  So, he played it for the kids.  It had sound ... I could hear the sound of the gun go off ... the sound of the officer yelling ... "tazer, tazer, tazer" and then the horrible sound of my husband groaning in pain.  I was sick ... Bella's face was twisted up in horror.

"I want to play it again ... they shot it from two different angles."  WHAT??????  The thought of having to listen to that terrible sound again made me want to burst into tears and scream at him.  As he started to play the video again, I got up, walked out of the living room and hid in my closet and cried. 

The whole rest of the night it was all anyone could talk about.  Kadin talked non-stop about the video ... it was the topic of conversation when people called or with people we happened to see.  Each time they spoke about it all I could hear was that groaning sound and the lump in my throat returned.  I think Brian finally could see how uncomfortable I was with this topic ... I started noticing when Kadin would bring it up Brian would try and shush him.  I know to an 8 year old it is probably pretty cool that your dad got shot with a tazer gun.  To me, it opened my eyes to the potential harm that could come to Brian with this job.     

I feel like I'm on the edge ... just barely holding it together sometimes.  I feel overwhelmed and afraid of what lies ahead.  I don't want Brian to change.  I certainly don't want him to get hurt.  I miss him so much ... still.