Dear Bella,

I always wanted a baby girl.  I thought that I would know what a girl would need, or want since I was a baby girl once too.  I thought that I would instinctively know how to be a better mother to a girl ...  that I would somehow always know just what you would need.

I sometimes feel like you've been cheated.  What I thought would be great "girly" mothering instincts have turned out to be fumbling awkward moments at times.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe I've let you down ... that perhaps I haven't been the best mom.

I'm not sure how I could adequately express how much I adore you Isabella.  It's like trying to describe a beautiful sunset to someone who is blind.  To truly appreciate the beauty of a sunset you have to experience it.  This holds true with my feelings for you.  One day when you are a mother yourself, perhaps you will truly appreciate my adoration of you.

When I look at you, I see me.  Not in your personality, but certainly in your physical appearance.  The way you look at six, is the same way I did when I was your age.  I love that!  I love that when people see you, they say you look like me.  It makes me feel like you belong to me ... like you were meant to be my daughter ... like it was truly God's plan.

Every day you make me proud.  Your first year of school has by far been one of my proudest moments.  The way you thrived in kindergarten and how you not only grew so much as a student, but also as a friend to your peers simply amazed me!  I seriously think your teacher secretly wished you were hers to take home!  The way she would talk about you made me so proud to say I was your mother.   

There are so many facets to your personality that make you so unique and special Isabella.  I love your artistic side.  I love the girl that will sit in her room and color and draw.  The thoughtful girl that will make pictures for everyone and take the extra time to put it in an envelope, sealed with love.  In fact just today I was the proud recipient of two puzzles and a coloring page.  Our refrigerator is filled with your masterpieces. 

I love that you will sit and write in your diary.  That you will ask how to spell every word so it is written correctly.  I love how you will make up the stories, but claim they are true when you read them out loud. (which I'm pretty sure you do just to annoy your brother!)  I love that you keep it tucked in your drawer under your bed and sometimes I'll find you drawing in there before you go to sleep at night.

You are my clumsy girl that even at six, still manages to fall out of her chair at dinner.  You have spilled your milk more times than I can count and each time we sit down at the table to eat, Reese circles under your chair to gobble up everything that you drop.  Although this drives me insane ... you would much rather eat with your fingers than bother with utensils, and when I think I can't take it anymore ... I hear your laughter as you banter with Kadin and the sound simply melts my heart.

It gets tough sometimes between you and I.  You are only six yet it feels like we bicker as if you were a teenager.  I worry about our relationship and how it will evolve as you grow.  I know we will not see eye-to-eye in every situation, but I never want you to doubt my love for you or how proud I am of you.  You will always be one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given in my life.

I Love You,

Mom           

Moostache

We went to dinner last Friday.  As we were leaving the restaurant they had candy machines by the exit.  Mixed in with all the candy were a few machines with trinkets and toys.  There was a fuzzy mustache machine.  For a quarter you could buy a fuzzy mustache.  It made me laugh out loud.

We didn't have any change at the time and I promised the kids we would go back during the week to buy some fuzzy mustaches.

We rode our bikes there on Monday...walked up to the door and it was locked.  Apparently the place wasn't open on Mondays.  Bella was so upset, she actually cried.

We tried again tonight.  They were open.  $1.00 later we were the proud owners of four fuzzy mustaches.  The kids were delighted.

Kadin look like Mario, Bella looked like Luigi and I looked like John Axford.  It was fun.  We laughed a lot.  Then we Skyped Brian to show off our new facial hair.

It was a good night.

Oh...and Bella called hers a moostache.

Great, Now I'm Rambling...

I have no idea what direction this post is going to go.  I'm crabby tonight and I'm tired.  It seems like the days go by so fast, yet here I am still stuck in this life of being a single parent with seemingly no end in sight.  I think I have transitioned out of the sad and lonely feeling to simply feeling annoyed and tired.

Things at work are crazy.  I feel like I don't accomplish anything unless I am going full throttle all day long like today.  When I do that, I feel so exhausted by the time I get home that I don't feel like doing anything.  Unfortunately, when I am here alone I can't just plop down on the sofa and take a nap.  The kids have to be bathed, the flowers need to be watered, the laundry needs to be done.  Plus, I'm selfish ... I like to have a little "me" time too.

I like my job, but sometimes my boss just irritates me.  I don't really have the luxury of staying late anymore considering my mother is usually watching my kids all day long.  I think that annoys my boss.  He's the type that expects you to be there when HE needs you.  Doesn't matter that you may get in to work a whole hour before he does ... if it's 6:00 and he needs something ... then dammit you'd better be there. 

He once had a talk with me about what time I take my lunch breaks (that is when I actually take a lunch).  He was annoyed that I sometimes would take my lunch at different times.  I couldn't believe I was actually hearing him say that to me!!  I felt like telling him that when he takes his lunch at the same time every day, then I will start as well.  Jerk...

Brian keeps counting down the days until he's finished with school.  I think after this week it will be 5 weeks left.  That still seems like an eternity to me and I find myself getting annoyed with him constantly bringing it up.  I don't need to be reminded...I don't want to be reminded.  When I hear 5 weeks it makes me want to scream.

I keep waiting for normal.  I keep forgetting that I'm not sure what our normal will be.  As much as I'm looking forward to this chapter coming to a close...the book isn't close to being finished.  I have no idea what to expect moving forward.  I know Brian's life right now is filled with the excitement and hard work of a new career.  It seems nowhere near what my life is like.  I feel exhausted, scared and maybe a bit resentful.  Not that I want to change careers, but I never do anything for myself. 

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and we were discussing the differences between men and women.  I'm not sure a woman or mother would do what Brian is doing.  I don't think a mother would leave her family to go back to school because she was unhappy with her job choice.  That sounds harsh...it sounds like I'm angry with Brian.  Maybe a part of me is...angry...for leaving me...us.  It is that same part of me that mourns for the loss of my old life. 

I know if the tables were turned...I wouldn't do what Brian is doing.  BUT...I don't think that is a negative reflection on Brian...I would never fault him for going after something he wants.  If anything, I'm jealous.  I wish I had the courage to do more things for myself.

The kids Skyped Brian tonight.  It always is excruciating.  They either fight about the tiny camera space there is or they are so loud I can't even hear what Brian is saying.  Tonight I just didn't want any part of it.  I don't want to Skype!!!!  I want him here next to me ... I want to tell him about my shitty day and I want him to listen to all of it.  I don't want to compete over Bella singing and Kadin recapping the tv show we just watched.  I just want it to be him and me ...

I guess I just have to wait another 5 weeks ...