Great, Now I'm Rambling...

I have no idea what direction this post is going to go.  I'm crabby tonight and I'm tired.  It seems like the days go by so fast, yet here I am still stuck in this life of being a single parent with seemingly no end in sight.  I think I have transitioned out of the sad and lonely feeling to simply feeling annoyed and tired.

Things at work are crazy.  I feel like I don't accomplish anything unless I am going full throttle all day long like today.  When I do that, I feel so exhausted by the time I get home that I don't feel like doing anything.  Unfortunately, when I am here alone I can't just plop down on the sofa and take a nap.  The kids have to be bathed, the flowers need to be watered, the laundry needs to be done.  Plus, I'm selfish ... I like to have a little "me" time too.

I like my job, but sometimes my boss just irritates me.  I don't really have the luxury of staying late anymore considering my mother is usually watching my kids all day long.  I think that annoys my boss.  He's the type that expects you to be there when HE needs you.  Doesn't matter that you may get in to work a whole hour before he does ... if it's 6:00 and he needs something ... then dammit you'd better be there. 

He once had a talk with me about what time I take my lunch breaks (that is when I actually take a lunch).  He was annoyed that I sometimes would take my lunch at different times.  I couldn't believe I was actually hearing him say that to me!!  I felt like telling him that when he takes his lunch at the same time every day, then I will start as well.  Jerk...

Brian keeps counting down the days until he's finished with school.  I think after this week it will be 5 weeks left.  That still seems like an eternity to me and I find myself getting annoyed with him constantly bringing it up.  I don't need to be reminded...I don't want to be reminded.  When I hear 5 weeks it makes me want to scream.

I keep waiting for normal.  I keep forgetting that I'm not sure what our normal will be.  As much as I'm looking forward to this chapter coming to a close...the book isn't close to being finished.  I have no idea what to expect moving forward.  I know Brian's life right now is filled with the excitement and hard work of a new career.  It seems nowhere near what my life is like.  I feel exhausted, scared and maybe a bit resentful.  Not that I want to change careers, but I never do anything for myself. 

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and we were discussing the differences between men and women.  I'm not sure a woman or mother would do what Brian is doing.  I don't think a mother would leave her family to go back to school because she was unhappy with her job choice.  That sounds harsh...it sounds like I'm angry with Brian.  Maybe a part of me is...angry...for leaving me...us.  It is that same part of me that mourns for the loss of my old life. 

I know if the tables were turned...I wouldn't do what Brian is doing.  BUT...I don't think that is a negative reflection on Brian...I would never fault him for going after something he wants.  If anything, I'm jealous.  I wish I had the courage to do more things for myself.

The kids Skyped Brian tonight.  It always is excruciating.  They either fight about the tiny camera space there is or they are so loud I can't even hear what Brian is saying.  Tonight I just didn't want any part of it.  I don't want to Skype!!!!  I want him here next to me ... I want to tell him about my shitty day and I want him to listen to all of it.  I don't want to compete over Bella singing and Kadin recapping the tv show we just watched.  I just want it to be him and me ...

I guess I just have to wait another 5 weeks ...