The Good, The Bad, The Kadin

I love my son. What a truly unique person God created ...

I usually describe Kadin to someone who is asking as being difficult and challenging. I started thinking about what those people might think ... it's not typical that a parent would describe their child that way. The truth is ... it is easier for me to focus on all the hard times ... all the times when that little boy makes me want to rip my hair out. It's easier for me to say that he's difficult ... so that when he really is, people won't be surprised. Kind of like "hey ... I told you he was difficult" so that way I won't be embarrassed when he acts up.

The problem with that theory is ... no matter how much you may warn people about impending bad behavior ... when it happens, it's still embarrassing!! When he throws a fit at Grandma B's birthday party ... it's still embarrassing even though all those people know Kadin is "difficult".

Brian had a particularly rough day with Kadin. It is on days like today when we wonder if every value we are trying to instill in our child is even penetrating ... are we even getting through? It is those times when I feel like a parenting failure that I turn to those moments when I know I've done something right ...

The kids were over at Sara, the neighbor girl's house, a couple of weeks ago. They were playing in the sandbox and I noticed Sara's parents were deep in discussion about something. I walked over just to make sure everyone was behaving themselves and Sara's mom told me how they were just discussing Kadin. "Now what did he do?" - I think were the first words out of my mouth ... she laughed ... I felt bad that I said that out loud.

Apparently Sara has a thing for butterflies ... she LOVES them. Well, the kids found a dead butterfly in the grass and Sara was upset. Kadin took the butterfly and threw it in the fire pit. When Sara asked where the butterfly went ... Kadin told her he threw it in the fire pit, which sent poor Sara into a meltdown. Sara went and told her mom what Kadin did and how she was so sad about this poor butterfly being tossed into the fire pit ... Sara's mom proceeded to tell Sara that maybe Kadin was just kidding about putting the butterfly into the fire pit.

Sara headed over to Kadin and asked him if he really put the butterfly into the fire pit or was he just kidding ... Kadin looked over at Sara's mom, smiled and said - "No, I was just kidding. I don't know where the butterfly went." He got it ... he understood that in order to make Sara feel better ... he needed to tell a fib ... and he did.

Standing there in the neighbor's yard I was struck at what a mature response that was from a boy that I sometimes think is immature. I was so proud of him ... and proud to be his mom.

Today while I was giving Bella a bath she told me how she fell at Phillip's house and scraped her knee. (she actually said Phillip pushed her which is a whole other story) She continued to tell me that it was bleeding and she was crying ... and how Kadin picked her up, gave her a hug and carried her home. Kadin did that ... her big brother ... my son.

It would be great to think that all my days could be filled with situations like that. What parent doesn't dream of their child always being the helper, the protector, the "good" kid. If I'm being honest ... those situations probably come more often than I think ... unfortunately it's the bad stuff that we seem to remember. I have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons why I love Kadin so much ... what makes him, well him. It's everything ... it's the good, it's the bad ... that's Kadin. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Best Laid Plans

I've been sitting here - staring at this blank page . . . wondering what to write about since I promised to write once a week and I'm one day late and now it appears I have writer's block.

Do you have a plan for your life? Do you do things on the spur of the moment . . . or is everything planned out? Is your life what you thought it would be?

I watched "Revolutionary Road" yesterday. Of course every time Brian tells me, or anyone for that matter, tells me a movie is excellent - I end up not liking it. I won't give the whole thing away if you haven't seen it, but it is basically about a married couple living in an unhappy marriage.

After it was over I looked at Brian and asked him why in the world anyone would want to spend two hours watching a movie about how two people that were once in love could be so unhappy. How depressing. I then posed the question as to what the point of that movie really was . . . how could two people be so happy together and then begin to want different things out of life? Brian told me that I just got the point of the movie . . . I guess maybe it wasn't so bad.

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We went to a family wedding in Oshkosh over the weekend. It was the first time I had seen Brian's grandpa since we found out he has colon cancer. He'd been in and out of the hospital for awhile . . . each time he would recover something else would go wrong. I watched Brian's grandma take care of him . . . she would steady him when he walked . . . she would sit next to him when he needed to rest . . . she even left the reception early when he was too tired to attend any longer. All you had to do was look at them and you knew how much she loved him.

I couldn't help but wonder what she must be thinking these days. Does she think about losing him? Does she think about what her life will be like if he leaves this earth before her? They have been married for over 50 years . . . 50 years!! They didn't drift apart . . . they didn't fall out of love . . . they don't have an unhappy marriage. For some people it must just work . . .

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Brian spent Father's Day by getting absolutely nothing . . . from me that is. Luckily, the kids were with my parents . . . so when we picked them up on Sunday my mom had taken Kadin to the store and he picked out a shirt for Brian. It is awesome . . . it has Snoopy on it and it says "Joe Cool Dad." HA!! The funny thing is . . . I know Brian will wear it some day . . . just to show Kadin how much he likes it . . . even if it is just to mow the lawn. Brian is just that kind of dad.

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I've been feeling very lucky these days . . . almost giddy about my life and how blessed I am. I look around my house and I just feel right . . . like I am right where I am supposed to be . . . totally content and happy. I am enjoying my children . . . falling more in love with my husband . . . and trying to hold on to all these special moments for as long as I can.

I may not have my life all planned out . . . but one thing I can plan on is that Brian and I won't fall out of love with each other . . . because I think we just work too.

The Rules Of Drawing

Bella is starting to draw things. I should clarify . . . things other than lines and circles. It seems like lines and circles are something they master quite early . . . Kadin was the master of circles when he was Bella's age. Everything he drew was a circle . . . sometimes pages of them.

So tonight we were coloring and Bella took out a blank piece of paper and was going to draw. She sat with crayon in hand just looking at the blank sheet of paper . . . so I asked her . . .

"Bella, what are you going to draw?"

"Ummm . . . I don't know." with her crayon pressed to the corner of her mouth.

"Can you draw a picture of Mommy?"

"Sure!" And she set to work drawing a big circle with two arms sticking out of it and two legs. She did give me eyes, a nose and a mouth which is always helpful. Kadin's people always had bodies when he drew them. From a very young age his people would have necks, torso's and legs - they were never just heads with appendages. I remember his teacher commenting on how that was an advanced skill . . . I guess she was right.

So, Bella finished her drawing of me and then looked once again at a new blank page. She sat staring at it . . . pondering what she would create next.

"Now what do you want to draw?" I asked her.

"I don't know."

"Can you draw a flower?"

"No. What should I draw Mommy?"

"Can you draw a tree?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you tell me what you can draw?"

"Well, I can draw a mommy, a chicken, a face and a leaf."

"You can draw a chicken?"

"Yup."

"Ok, then let's draw a chicken."

"No, mom . . . I can't draw a chicken until I'm five. I am not five yet."

"Oh . . . I thought you said you could draw a chicken."

"No . . . and I can't draw a flower either. I can't draw a chicken or a flower . . . not until I am five - those are the rules mom."

I didn't know there were rules when drawing . . . I'm always learning.

A Graduation, A Birthday, and An Anniversary

Woah . . . where do I begin? It's been so busy lately . . . living life and loving every minute of it . . . ok, not every minute . . . at least not the ones when Bella has been crying . . . which lately seems like a really lot of minutes . . .

So, speaking of Bella . . . she turned THREE!!!! Yup, its official . . . she is three and it is becoming apparent that the three's are going to be slightly more challenging than the two's. I know . . . its hard to look at this face and see anything but a cute, innocent little girl . . . .


BUT - trust me . . . she's got a mean streak . . . and it is out in full force these days. Bella is an emotional roller coaster. Parents of toddler girls . . . is this normal? Did that kick to the head alter her personality somehow??? Anything can set her off, sending her into a fit of tears and panic. It is mainly directed toward me . . . she has a "mommy" complex. I cannot leave the room or take a potty break without her next to me. She constantly asks for hugs and kisses, which I know you are all saying "Oh, that is so cute!" I agree . . . it is totally precious and cute . . . the first 4 times she does it, but when she's asked you for a hung 17 times and you've only been awake for 2 hours . . . not so cute anymore.

I know I should embrace this . . . one day I will beg her for hugs and she will roll her eyes at me and walk away. However, I seriously think her behavior is starting to make me lose my mind a little bit . . .

So, even with half a mind I planned a little party to celebrate our Bella. I asked a lady that I work with if she would make Bella's cake . . . when I got to her house I saw this . . .


Isn't it the coolest cake you've ever seen?!?! Well I thought it was . . . so if you have a girly girl like mine and want a doll cake - I'll hook you up with Glenda - super nice lady . . . awesome cake!

We had a couple of kids over and did a pinata . . . other than the weather totally NOT cooperating with us, it was a great time. She got to open some really cool presents . . . and here she is showing off her freshly lip glossed lips . . . so pretty.


So as if my baby turning three doesn't make me feel old enough . . . Kadin graduated from 4-K this week. Gheesh! I can see the nursing home is right around the corner!

This is Kadin's graduating 4-K class.

The graduation ceremony was great. They marched in to the graduation song (does that song have a name?) and then sang a bunch of songs they learned throughout the year. I had to look around at some of the other parents because I was really having a hard time keeping it together. I was so emotional . . . it was just a really proud moment for me. Kadin is such a super little kid . . . and when I saw him up there singing . . . so proud of himself . . . it was more than I could handle.

Each child received a diploma, and when the teacher handed them out . . . each child also received an award for a characteristic that set them apart from the other students. Kadin received his award for "Magnificent Memory" which is sooooo true!!! She really knew our son well . . .



The ceremony ended with the teacher reading a letter to the parents. She spoke about how we trusted her with our children many months ago and now she is handing them back to us . . . during the middle of her speech, she became choked up and started to cry. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house . . . she's a really neat teacher. Kadin will miss you Mrs. Fredy!!

So, there you go . . . my children are growing up way too fast and I feel old as dirt. Oh - and speaking of old as dirt - HA! . . . how is it possible that I've been married for nine years??? On this very day nine years ago . . . I married my best friend. I was thinking today about those nine years . . . to me, it really doesn't seem like nine years . . . or maybe nine years just really doesn't seem that long. I've had so much fun! How many people get to spend nine years with their best friend?

Seriously . . . how lucky am I? I get to hang out with my best friend almost every day . . . we've made two beautiful kids together . . . and I get to say that the teacher all the girls drool over is my very own husband. Not bad for nine years if you ask me . . .

Love ya babe!

Rubber Room

That's where I belong . . . a rubber room. It is official . . . I have spent one entire day alone with my kids and now I need to be admitted to the psychiatric ward.

It is 7:54 p.m. and my children are happily tucked away in their beds . . . . why you ask? Because if I had to spend another waking moment with them I think I might have opened a vein. Gasp!!! I know, how could I even write that?!?! I apologize . . . and you can think I'm a horrible mother, sometimes I do myself, but today was just one of those awful days.

I was just telling a gal I work with that happens to be pregnant about how hard of an adjustment motherhood was for me. I was so focused on getting through the pregnancy and delivery that I never gave a single thought to what I was going to do with this baby once it arrived. When Kadin was born I was terrified . . . I had no clue what I was doing . . . I was afraid to hold him, afraid to be left alone with him . . . that "motherly" instinct that people say everyone gets . . . . . well I didn't get it.

I always heard stories of mothers falling in love with their babies at first sight. That's what I thought was supposed to happen . . . that's what I thought would happen to me - it didn't. I loved Kadin from the moment he was born, sure . . . but I truly didn't fall in love with him until several months later. It wasn't until he started smiling and showed more of his personality that I truly fell in love with my son.

I felt very guilty about that for a long time. I always thought something must've been wrong with me . . . why didn't I feel that bond right away??? I still sometimes question my mothering abilities - especially after days like today. Why did God bless me with two amazing kids, when I obviously don't know what the heck I'm doing . . .

In my defense, those two amazing kids were less than amazing today. Bella spent the majority of her day crying and Kadin spent his day fighting with her about her crying. It was a very long day, but still . . . it's after days like today when I totally feel like a failure.

Being a parent is seriously the hardest job in the world. I have to ponder this thought tonight . . . when you get a new job, usually they make sure to train you so you know what you are doing. Parenting - one of the most important jobs in the world - anyone can do . . . you don't need take a class, you don't need to be trained . . . yet every moment you are shaping a human being . . . you are affecting some one's future.

How backwards is that?!?