Rubber Room

That's where I belong . . . a rubber room. It is official . . . I have spent one entire day alone with my kids and now I need to be admitted to the psychiatric ward.

It is 7:54 p.m. and my children are happily tucked away in their beds . . . . why you ask? Because if I had to spend another waking moment with them I think I might have opened a vein. Gasp!!! I know, how could I even write that?!?! I apologize . . . and you can think I'm a horrible mother, sometimes I do myself, but today was just one of those awful days.

I was just telling a gal I work with that happens to be pregnant about how hard of an adjustment motherhood was for me. I was so focused on getting through the pregnancy and delivery that I never gave a single thought to what I was going to do with this baby once it arrived. When Kadin was born I was terrified . . . I had no clue what I was doing . . . I was afraid to hold him, afraid to be left alone with him . . . that "motherly" instinct that people say everyone gets . . . . . well I didn't get it.

I always heard stories of mothers falling in love with their babies at first sight. That's what I thought was supposed to happen . . . that's what I thought would happen to me - it didn't. I loved Kadin from the moment he was born, sure . . . but I truly didn't fall in love with him until several months later. It wasn't until he started smiling and showed more of his personality that I truly fell in love with my son.

I felt very guilty about that for a long time. I always thought something must've been wrong with me . . . why didn't I feel that bond right away??? I still sometimes question my mothering abilities - especially after days like today. Why did God bless me with two amazing kids, when I obviously don't know what the heck I'm doing . . .

In my defense, those two amazing kids were less than amazing today. Bella spent the majority of her day crying and Kadin spent his day fighting with her about her crying. It was a very long day, but still . . . it's after days like today when I totally feel like a failure.

Being a parent is seriously the hardest job in the world. I have to ponder this thought tonight . . . when you get a new job, usually they make sure to train you so you know what you are doing. Parenting - one of the most important jobs in the world - anyone can do . . . you don't need take a class, you don't need to be trained . . . yet every moment you are shaping a human being . . . you are affecting some one's future.

How backwards is that?!?