When Your "Girl" Is Actually A Boy

Eight years ago when I found out I was going to be a mother, I envisioned the child I was carrying was going to be a girl. All my thoughts about motherhood revolved around a daughter. When I found out Kadin was a boy, I was nervous. My experience with boys was nonexistant and I found myself wondering what in the world I was going to do with a little boy.

Of course any mother knows that in the end it really doesn't matter what the sex of your child is. After Kadin was born and I truly learned how to be his mother ... it was almost like it was meant to be all along.

Kadin truly adores me. Even now, at almost eight years old, he repeatedly will tell me how much he loves me. Man, do I love that kid. For some reason, I think Kadin has always gravitated slightly toward me. I seem to be the one he goes to if he's hurt or upset. It may not be as pronounced now that he is getting older, but in my heart I know it to be true.

Bella, on the other hand ... seems to want nothing to do with me. Unlike Kadin's slight gravitation toward me ... Bella almost has a repulsion from me. She is very vocal about her adoration for her dad and it is very clear in her actions and words to me.

I'm not sure when exactly this "Daddy" complex began. When she was a baby, I truly don't remember her favoring either one of us. It seemed to have started in the last couple of years. At first I thought it was just another phase that kids seem to go through. Now, I'm not so sure.

Brian and I joke all the time about how much Bella favors him over me. I have truly tried not to let it bother me, but damn ... it's not easy. When you watch your daughter continuously pick your husband over you for every task ... every hug ... every book reading ... it starts to creep into your soul.

Sometimes I find myself playing the blame game. Did I treat her differently because she was the second born? Do I subconciously favor Kadin and not even realize it? Do I not tell her how much she means to me enough?

Tonight Brian wasn't home. She had a book she brought home from school that she was supposed to read. During the reading she became frustrated because she was having difficulty with some of the words. She began to pout ... and not cooperate. I got stearn with her and made her continue with the book and forced her to sound out the words. She finished the book and actually did a great job. I was trying to tell her what a great job she did and I could see in her face that she was mad. I'm sure a part of her was mad at me for forcing her to continue; I also think she was a bit mad at herself.

She was on the verge of tears and I asked her if she was mad. She nodded that she was ... as she began to cry. I told her that if she was mad at me it was ok, and as I started to explain to her the reason why I wanted her to keep reading she blurted out ... "I want daddy!"

And there it was ... just like a knife into my heart. It seriously felt like a sucker punch right to the gut. She was upset and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me ... again. I put her to bed ... went into the bathroom and cried.

She's five. I know she doesn't get it ... I know she isn't trying to hurt me on purpose. But damn ... I just wanted to scream at her ... "LOOK, I AM YOUR MOTHER!!!! YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS NOT JUST ONE!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

All those years ago, I envisioned myself parenting a little girl. Now I have one and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm lucky ... right?

I'm lucky. I have a job that is flexible and allows me to spend each morning with my children. When I got my job at the Brewery last February ... I was pleasantly surprised that my boss actually suggested I take my kids to school every day. His wife was a teacher and he was always the one who stayed home with them and got them off to school ... so I think in a way he was psyched to allow someone else to be able to do it too.

I was excited. Excited about the money we would save not having them in a before-school program, excited to make them breakfast every morning. I wasn't excited about having to work until 6:00 each night, but I was willing to sacrifice and was hoping I would get used to it.

It is January. Since September I have been spending each morning with my children. I have gotten used to working until 6:00. I'm lucky ... right?

See, here is the problem. The mornings ... almost every morning ... is seriously the worst part of my day. By the time we are all in the car on the way to school, I am usually so mad at my kids that it is hard to mutter a "good bye" much less a "have a great day!". I want to slow down enough for them to make it out of the car safely ... then haul ass away from that curb to escape. I simply want to escape the whining ... the fighting ... the temper tantrums. It can be seriously horrible.

I feel like a terrible mother. Yesterday, I sent them both to their rooms because I couldn't handle the fact that I had to yell at them ALL THE TIME. I don't enjoy yelling at them, but it is the only thing I seem to do lately.

Yesterday was school spirit day. Kadin wanted to wear this special bracelet that had "Go Bobcats" on it. Keep in mind the kid has a McKinley Bobcats shirt he could wear, but of course he didn't want to wear that ... he wanted the little rubber bracelet. And, for the record, he never mentioned that it even was school spirit day until the morning of ... when we are pressed for time and he can't find the ... ahem ... bracelet.

Oh yes ... he could not find the bracelet. We have a 3,000 square foot house. Do you know how many places a rubber bracelet could be in a 3,000 square foot house? Well I can tell you where it wasn't ... on his closet knob, or in Bella's jewelry box ... or in his room ANYWHERE.

Luckily ... Bella also had a rubber Bobcat bracelet that we could actually find. YES, he could wear that one ... and she agreed to let him wear it ... even better! Or ... ?? NO. "I don't want to wear this one!!!! The letters are smeary!!!!" Oh ... of course ... the letters are smeary!!!! I mean what the heck was I thinking?

So it only makes sense then that the kid refused to get dressed. Instead he proceeded to whine and cry about how his whole day was ruined because he couldn't wear this rubber bracelet and then proceeded to accuse me of throwing the stupid thing away. Aaaah ... yes Kadin ... I purposely threw away your stinking bracelet in the hopes that one morning you would decide to actually wear it ... search frantically for it but never find it and make my life a living nightmare. Yup ... you got me.

I could not stand the whining anymore. Bella was having her own set of issues over a Packer shirt and my insane suggestion of putting a long sleeve shirt underneath it since we do live in Wisconsin and last time I checked ... it's freaking cold outside!!! So I sent them both to their rooms ... after I yelled at them.

Which brings me back full circle on my terrible parenting skills and the fact that I always am yelling at my kids. I imagine they don't like me ... heck I don't like me when I act like that. The thing is ... I have no idea what to do to make it better. It seems to me my children have zero understanding that in the morning we have a set amount of time and certain things that must get done. Those things don't include taking a half hour to look for a rubber bracelet or stripping down to your underwear pouting because I thought you would be too cold in short sleeves.

In case your wondering ... during his lockdown ... Kadin found his bracelet. It was in his room ... who knows where. I'm pretty sure he didn't even wear it to school.