When Your "Girl" Is Actually A Boy

Eight years ago when I found out I was going to be a mother, I envisioned the child I was carrying was going to be a girl. All my thoughts about motherhood revolved around a daughter. When I found out Kadin was a boy, I was nervous. My experience with boys was nonexistant and I found myself wondering what in the world I was going to do with a little boy.

Of course any mother knows that in the end it really doesn't matter what the sex of your child is. After Kadin was born and I truly learned how to be his mother ... it was almost like it was meant to be all along.

Kadin truly adores me. Even now, at almost eight years old, he repeatedly will tell me how much he loves me. Man, do I love that kid. For some reason, I think Kadin has always gravitated slightly toward me. I seem to be the one he goes to if he's hurt or upset. It may not be as pronounced now that he is getting older, but in my heart I know it to be true.

Bella, on the other hand ... seems to want nothing to do with me. Unlike Kadin's slight gravitation toward me ... Bella almost has a repulsion from me. She is very vocal about her adoration for her dad and it is very clear in her actions and words to me.

I'm not sure when exactly this "Daddy" complex began. When she was a baby, I truly don't remember her favoring either one of us. It seemed to have started in the last couple of years. At first I thought it was just another phase that kids seem to go through. Now, I'm not so sure.

Brian and I joke all the time about how much Bella favors him over me. I have truly tried not to let it bother me, but damn ... it's not easy. When you watch your daughter continuously pick your husband over you for every task ... every hug ... every book reading ... it starts to creep into your soul.

Sometimes I find myself playing the blame game. Did I treat her differently because she was the second born? Do I subconciously favor Kadin and not even realize it? Do I not tell her how much she means to me enough?

Tonight Brian wasn't home. She had a book she brought home from school that she was supposed to read. During the reading she became frustrated because she was having difficulty with some of the words. She began to pout ... and not cooperate. I got stearn with her and made her continue with the book and forced her to sound out the words. She finished the book and actually did a great job. I was trying to tell her what a great job she did and I could see in her face that she was mad. I'm sure a part of her was mad at me for forcing her to continue; I also think she was a bit mad at herself.

She was on the verge of tears and I asked her if she was mad. She nodded that she was ... as she began to cry. I told her that if she was mad at me it was ok, and as I started to explain to her the reason why I wanted her to keep reading she blurted out ... "I want daddy!"

And there it was ... just like a knife into my heart. It seriously felt like a sucker punch right to the gut. She was upset and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me ... again. I put her to bed ... went into the bathroom and cried.

She's five. I know she doesn't get it ... I know she isn't trying to hurt me on purpose. But damn ... I just wanted to scream at her ... "LOOK, I AM YOUR MOTHER!!!! YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS NOT JUST ONE!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

All those years ago, I envisioned myself parenting a little girl. Now I have one and I have no idea what I'm doing.