Juggling Guilt

There are just some days when I'm convinced that I'm a horrible parent. How is it that anyone in the world can be a parent - without any training or classes - no degree required. Not just anyone can be a doctor right? Heck no - because you are dealing with people's lives . . . . yet aren't we dealing with lives when we are parents?

I start to get overwhelmed when I think that every day I am shaping my child into the person he/she will become. So . . . every day when I screw up and make mistakes - because I do screw up every day . . . I am potentially planting a seed of future behavior or staking out a path that I don't want my child to travel. Who can live up to that??!! Is there really a parent out there that feels confident in what they are doing?? Anyone . . . .?

During my 4 1/2 years as a parent I've learned to accept the guilt. I am constantly juggling guilt. I never feel like I'm good enough for my kids or that I do the right things - and I constantly feel guilty about it. I think I read once that as a parent you should allow yourself one mistake a day. One mistake that you don't feel bad about - or wish you could do differently. Hmmm . . . that's all fine and good, but what if you make 6 mistakes each day . . . or 10 mistakes. Then what??

Lately I've felt like that mother. You know the one I'm talking about . . . the one who screams at her kids across the playground because she's too lazy to actually go over there and watch them. The one who takes her kids to the park and doesn't pack water or snacks and then yells at them when they complain that they're hungry and thirsty. The one that grabs them by the arm in the store and talks through clenched teeth so they don't lose it and start screaming right in front of everyone. The one who turns a blind eye when her kids are out of control simply because she's sick of dealing with the fighting and the yelling and the chaos. Now do you know the one I'm talking about?

When I look at my kids I see such potential for their futures . . . they are still so sweet and innocent. I just pray that all the stupid mistakes I make today don't screw that up . . .

Good Night - Or Not

I don't like my kids today. I love them everyday, but some days I just don't like them. I'm sorry if that sounds bad, but it sums up the way I feel right now.

I've had one of those evenings where every time I turn around I am either breaking up a fight, or yelling at someone. This little routine started from the minute I got home.

Tonight was swimming. I picked Kadin up and we headed for the YMCA for his weekly swim lesson. Kadin does this thing sometimes where he chronically clears his throat. It is the most horrible sound you can imagine - and what's worse is he does it constantly. I have no idea what triggers it - nerves, allergies, a tickle - but I immediately notice that he is doing this throat-clearing-thing that he does. So I ask him - "honey is there something wrong with your throat? Do you have a tickle?" He replies with - "I have a frog in my throat and I can't get it out." So he continues to obnoxiously clear his throat every 10 seconds - not kidding here - literally every 10 seconds.

Swim class went ok - other than the throat-clearing and we headed to Grandma's to pick up Bella. So I go to round up Bella because I wanted to actually get home before 8:00 so I could eat before 9:00 and I can't find Kadin's shoes. "Kadin - where are your shoes?" "I don't know." "Mom - where are Kadin's shoes?" "I don't know what shoes you are talking about." Ok, I'm not delusional - I KNOW my kid came here with shoes!!!! Ok, fine we forgot about the shoes (I had packed a spare in the swimming bag) and we headed out the door.

Bella then decided to have a fit because she wanted to ride in Kadin's car seat. HUH???? "Bella - you can't ride in Kadin's car seat - you're too little" She continued to have her fit all the way out to the car, which then the fit changed from riding in Kadin's car seat to having Grandma strap her in instead of me. Sigh . . .

Ok, kids now in car - on my way to the grocery store because this morning I heard Brian pour himself a bowl of cereal go to the fridge and realize we have no milk - grumble, grumble - poor out cereal and eat nothing for breakfast. So we're in the grocery store and now my children are complaining that they are hungry. Mind you - my parents fed them, but they didn't like the food so they didn't eat. "You already had supper." "I'm hungry! I need food!!" Crying out loud - people in the grocery store probably thought I didn't feed my kids!

I pick a line at the grocery store where the lady in front of me is trying to pay with a check. The register is asking for her driver's license which she doesn't have. Now the cashier is calling for SOS because she doesn't know what to do as Bella is pulling all the hot wheel's off the pegs and Kadin is going through each candy bar and gum selection telling me what they all are. "Mom - what's taking so long!!!" "There's something wrong with the register - it will be just a few more minutes." Now Kadin has begun to take his little cart (what a great invention by the way these little kid-sized carts - so your child can carry your food for you as they run around at top speed almost running people over and ramming into each other because it's fun) and ram it into Bella's little cart. It is complete chaos - I'm almost ready to turn around and leave my groceries on the belt.

Phew! Don't ask me how, but I made it out of the grocery store AND got my kids in the car. Headed home - and it's only 7:00 . . . yes! Oh . . . wait . . . now Bella is screaming because Kadin took her receipt that I asked her to hold. "Kadin - give that back to Bella. I asked her to hold it." "I never get to hold anything!!! That isn't fair!!!" "Kadin - you got to carry the milk." "I don't want to carry the milk!!" "That's fine." A slight pause . . . "I want to carry the milk inside!" What??????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?! I think at that very moment I was pretty sure there was a rubber room somewhere just for me . . . and I was going to turn the car around and go there . . . wherever that might be . . .

Just . . . Stuff . . .

I just got home from a wedding of an obscure family friend. It is seriously the shortest wedding I have ever attended - from beginning to end it lasted 20 minutes! Twenty minutes - it's hardly worth putting on the dress for 20 minutes!! I know traditionally Lutheran weddings are short - Brian and I were married in a Lutheran church . . . please tell me my wedding was longer than 20 minutes . . . . please . . . .

In two hours we will be leaving for the dinner and reception . . . . I can hardly wait! Sensing a little sarcasm??

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Before my mom picked me up today to attend said shortest wedding EVER she told me that she went to get her hair done. I have heard women say this before - mainly older women (not that my mom is old - love you mom!!) BUT my question is . . . . . when does this phenomenon begin?? I got my hair done for Winter Formal and Homecoming (not Prom though - didn't go to prom right Brian?) and when I got married of course. So at some point is the way I do my hair everyday going to suddenly become not good enough for social functions??? Someday am I going to be invited to a wedding and say "Gee - I better make my hair appointment because I can never get my hair to look good!"

And just for the record - I like my mom's hair everyday, not just when the stylist does it!

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Just because you wanted to know this . . . . the name that I thought was Brock Moon is actually incorrect. Apparently Kadin just makes up names for kids - there is really a Brock M and then a Brock W. Yes W, not M or Moon. Kadin also told me that the two Brock's were twins. Ok, first I'm thinking what horrible parents would name their twins the same name then second I'm thinking does Kadin even know what "twins" means? So I ask him - "what does twin mean?" His answer . . . . "they both eat their boogers." Which by the way Kadin has said he no longer does . . . . . . as he turns his head away from me and does a quick nose to mouth swipe.

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I'm convinced that my daughter is deaf. It really breaks my heart - that poor sweet girl repeats everything she says because she cannot hear our answers. Today is a perfect example - Bella is yelling "Mommy help me." My reply - "just a minute - Mommy has to change." "Mommy help me." "Just a minute Bella!" "Mommy help me!" "Isabella - I'm changing my clothes!!!!" "Mommy help me!!" "Can you not hear what I'm saying to you!!!!!!!!!!" Pause . . . . . . "HUH??" "Can you not hear me?" "HUH?" "Bella, I am changing right now - I will be with you in a minute." "HUH?"

Yeah, it was that bad. I wanted to kneel down next to her soft little ear and scream directly into it. I didn't . . . . . that would be wrong - but I wanted to.

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Why is it that kids won't eat what you put in front of them, but if they happen to see you eating it the next day - let's say for lunch - then they want to eat it because you are??? This little phenomenon drives me nuts. Kadin complained and complained about the manicotti we had for dinner last night. He didn't like the meat or the sauce and he didn't care for the noodles because there was "icky" cheese inside them. HOWEVER - today as I warmed up a noodle for lunch he was all over that plate. "Mmmm, I like the meat!" What?!?!? You didn't like the meat 17 hours ago . . . . oh yeah that's because I wasn't the only one eating it . . . URRGGHH!

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Ok, I'm off to wrangle my son from the neighbors house and force him into the tub so we can make our shin-dig at 5:00. Wish me luck!!

4 Days And Counting

Well Kadin has officially finished his 4th day of school! Today was the first day that Brian dropped him off and didn't call me at work with that slightly worried tone in his voice about leaving him in the "big room" with all the big kids. Kadin seems to be adjusting to school life pretty well.

It amazes me the way a 4-year old mind works. Of course every time he comes home I question his every move. What did you do today? Did you make any new friends? What did you have for lunch? Who did you sit by? Who did you play with at recess? What was the favorite part of your day? Most of the time he answers with "I don't remember." I have gotten very few details thus far about what they actually do all day. I'm thinking this is normal right?? Perhaps he is so stimulated by everything that his day just blurs together and he really doesn't remember . . . either that or he has short-term memory loss - the verdict is still out on which it actually is.

He has told me a few things. I've discovered that they sing songs - so far I've heard a song about the days of the week to the tune of "The Munsters" theme song and a song about the month of September. He sings them for me - and I can usually make out only parts of them, but it's still cute that he tries. He also expressed his dislike of having to sit "criss cross applesauce" when they sit on the carpet squares. My guess is, this is their way of ensuring kids keep their feet and legs to themselves. He has met a few kids - Morgan, Vanessa and of course Cameron (his favorite) and a couple of boys - Brock M, Brock Moon (not really sure if he's saying Moon or not - it sounds like Moon to me so that's what I'm goin' with!) and Carter.

I've heard parents of other kids talk about how busy they are with homework and other school related things. Of course they don't send homework home with 4-year olds, but man the gobs of papers he brings home each time is amazing!!! First there was the introductory letter, then the rule book (which you have to go through with your child), then the behavior slips that have to be signed each time, permission slip for a field trip, book order forms, forms for collecting milk caps and box tops for a fundraiser, slips for school pictures . . . . HAAAAA!!! It takes me a half hour just to go through all the papers - and that's in addition to all the creations he makes and brings home that we have to tape on the fridge.

It's hard to believe that he will be going to school now at least until he's 18 - assuming he's not a drop-out! Not that I think he will be!! Just wait until the extra-curricular activities start - sports, music, plays, clubs . . . oh, my head hurts just thinking about it!

I Did Not

I did not eat a chocolate dipped granola bar for breakfast this morning followed by a bag of mini fudge Keebler cookies. That would be absurd considering I complain about my clothes not fitting even thought I work out . . .

I did not use Kadin's swimming lessons as an excuse to leave work early today. He really did have swimming lessons and I really did have to take him there . . . it just wasn't exactly at the correct time.

I did not tell my son it was ok to not wash his hands after he went potty because he was taking FOREVER and I didn't want him to miss something in swim class. That would just be gross and wrong!

I did not spend a significant amount of time surfing the web and checking out my favorite blogs today at work. I would never use company time to conduct personal affairs. Yeah - I can't even write that with a straight face!

I did not put Bella to bed tonight with five books and a tiara in her crib because since her nukie was taken away she seems to think she needs to surround herself with all her possessions in order to fall asleep. I mean, that could be dangerous . . . she could roll over and bend one of the pages of her books!

I did not conveniently "forget" to pay the babysitter yet this week because we don't get paid until Thursday and if she cashed the check before then it would bounce like a ball.

I did not tell my son it was "OK" when he told me that he farted on my lap - not once but twice - because I wanted him to stop talking about farts in front of all the parents at swim class.

I did not sit at my desk today and notice that I kept smelling dirty feet and then realized that if I was the one smelling it then it was probably my feet. If that were even remotely true I certainly would never admit to it - damn sandals!

And then I definitely DID NOT put lotion on my feet to try and mask the potential smell. Didn't do it . . .

Ok, I'm off to take a shower . . . and scrub my feet . . .

A Poem I Found

To My Child


Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won’t worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won’t stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald’s and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children’s graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can’t handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you.

The "Little" Things

I know you've read, probably several times, me mention how I'm looking forward to when the kids are a little older and a little more independent. Well I was thinking last night as I was trying to fall asleep - there are many things I miss from when they were little.

1. Rocking them to sleep. I really miss that little body laying on mine - watching them breathe and twitch as they sleep. Getting so hot and sweaty, but not daring to move because I don't want to wake them.



2. Immobility. There is definitely something to be said for being able to set your child somewhere and know they won't be gone when you get back. The phrase "stay right here" takes on a whole new meaning when your child discovers they can move! Just the other week Bella made it out the door before Kadin & I and I couldn't find her anywhere. She wasn't in the car, wasn't on the swing set - I found her sitting on the front lawn. She told me she was waiting for me in the grass.



3. Talking. I'm grateful that my kids can talk, but every parent will tell you that once they start - they don't stop. Every dinner we sit and listen to Kadin & Bella go back and forth with each other. Oh, those days when they would just coo and babble and didn't say things like "my fart smells like a stinky vagina". Yes - Kadin actually said that.



4. When "play" meant reading a book or peek-a-boo. I remember making Kadin laugh by simply hiding my head under a blanket. Now I'm asked to play things like Power Rangers and Transformers where everyone kills each other and every game involves imagination and pretend. When they were little they never really cared if you were playing with them - they would just sit and watch you living - taking in every little thing you did. Now I hear the phrase "play with me" more times a day than I can count.



5. Bottle feedings. NOT the middle in the night ones, but just the thought of not having to worry about what they are going to eat because they only had one choice! It's hard planning meals sometimes because we make things that we know the kids will never eat. Take our dinner tonight for example - we had beef roast with mashed potatoes, broccoli and rolls. Both kids didn't touch the potatoes or broccoli so all they had was rolls and a small amount of roast. My motherly brain of course is thinking - how do they even grow when they only eat a few bites of dinner???

I know I can't stop my kids from growing up - I think I just need to appreciate every moment since you can never go back.

Pee-Pee In The Potty

Awhile ago I posted about Bella accidentally going poo-poo in her little toilet. Well it obviously traumatized her because since that post she literally hasn't done a single thing on the potty. She says she has to go - and asks to be put on the "big toilet" but she never does anything. She even goes so far as to wipe herself and flush when she's done doing absolutely nothing.

Today I gave the kids a bath and I was getting Bella's clothes together. Kadin was still in the tub and Bella was wrapped in her towel waiting for me to get her things. She turned to me and told me that she had to go potty. I'm thinking oh, yeah right - you have to go potty. I unwrapped her and placed her on the toilet and . . . . . . .

SHE WENT PEE-PEE!!!!!

Of course this meant we had to do the celebratory "Pee-pee dance" and I won't tell you what Kadin's version of the pee-pee dance was - but I will say it involved a certain part of his anatomy. Ummm . . . yeah . . .

There may be hope for her yet to actually wear underpants by the time she's 4! We were beginning to wonder . . .

Oh, I'm just kidding!!

Gloomy Fall Days

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE fall. It's by far my favorite season and holds my favorite holiday. The fall excitement is in the air and I'm just itching to get my scarecrows, leaves and pumpkins out of storage to scatter around the house and yard.

Today was one of those typical gloomy fall days. It rained or was misting most of the day and it was cloudy and gloomy. On these days back when I had no children I would curl up with a blanket and a couple of good movies and waste the day away. Since that isn't an option when you have a 4 and 2 year old running around the house - these gloomy rainy days take on a whole new meaning! How do I entertain these kids when we can't go outside??!!!?!

Well, you play marble tower, store, give overdue baths, break up some fights, squeeze in umpteen loads of laundry, make lunch, pick up after lunch, take a nap, watch a video, break up a few more fights and finally break down and pull the cars out into the driveway so the kids can let off some pent-up energy riding their bikes in the garage. And yup - it's 10:00 pm and I just realized that I didn't leave the house all day - slightly depressing! In fact - I didn't get out of my jammies until after 3:00 pm - even more depressing!

I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day!

My Emotional Day

So I knew going in that Kadin's first day of school would be harder on me than him. All morning I was dreading making the drive to Iola to drop my baby off to wander inside that big building without me by his side to guide him and keep him safe.

The first time I got teary . . . we were at the school, showing Kadin where he needed to go. It was this big room full of kids he didn't know . . . mostly older kids. He looked in the room and looked back at Brian and I and said "I don't want to go in there." I didn't blame him - so as Brian and I tried to figure out what to do with him . . . Kadin says he has to go potty. Brian takes him to the bathroom and as I'm standing in the hall waiting for him I realize that this is it. I am going to walk out of this school and leave Kadin in there.

As my mind is reeling . . . I look down the hall at the doors of the big room we had just come from and I see a small girl - maybe 1st or 2nd grade standing at the door. Her mother is leaning over her and very loudly telling her that she "has" to go in there and that she's old enough now where her mother "isn't going to walk her into school anymore." The little girl hangs her head and I turn away - unable to watch anymore as my eyes start to well up with tears. I would give anything to be able to walk Kadin in to school everyday - and here was this mother telling her frightened little girl that she didn't want to do it.

I wiped my eyes as Kadin emerged from the bathroom - ready to go to his classroom. Brian and I walked him down the hall and helped him put away his backpack. As we lead him into the room he saw the familiar face of his teacher who told him that he could go and play for a little bit before all the kids arrived. Well, this was all Kadin needed to hear - as Daddy said his goodbye's Kadin was off. I had to yell his name to get him to come back to me. As I hugged my little boy goodbye my second bout of tears came. I fought to keep my voice from cracking as I told Kadin to have fun and to make sure he told me all about his day when he got home.

I walked away from that school with a feeling I can't quite put into words. I was very excited that Kadin was starting a new journey and chapter in his young life - at the same time I was very sad that my boy had seemingly grown up so quickly.

When I got home from work tonight I asked Kadin about his day. He very enthusiastically told me that he learned how to swing across the monkey bars at "gym - no that's not what it was - oh yeah recess - that's what it's called mom - recess."

Just Because . . .

I thought this was cute . . .

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

That was our class slogan when we graduated from high school in 1996. I'm not sure why I thought of it as I was sitting here, but it was fitting to describe the week I've had . . .

It's been an emotional week for me as a parent. There are so many moments where I stop and think about how nice it will be when the kids are a little less dependant on me and a little more independent. There are also times like this week when I feel like they are growing up so fast and I want them to be little just a little bit longer.

I've already told you that Kadin took the "plunge" literally in his big boy swimming class. Well, you are also officially looking at the newest "Tiny T-Bird". Yes on Tuesday, Kadin will start school. We had is 4-year old kindergarten orientation last Wednesday.

It was so neat to see how excited he was. Everything the teacher said and every new room we saw he just took it all in with an excitement I can't describe. We found his little cubby where his backpack and coat go. We found his name on the wall for his birthday and they even put his name on his little pencil case. I have no doubt that Kadin will love school, but the thought of dropping him off on Tuesday into that big building makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I have so many worries . . . . will he make friends, will he behave, will he be able to find his way around, will he spill his lunch, will he get on the right bus? (Kadin has to take a bus after school from the grade school to the high school where he will meet Daddy)

I can't believe my little boy is starting school!

My Son, The Fish

I've posted several times tonight so make sure you scroll down to read them all!

So I signed Kadin up for swimming lessons at the YMCA. I had a dilemma when I signed him up because he's uber afraid of the water yet he's old enough now where the classes for kids his age are with an instructor only - not mom & dad.

So I inquired about the classes and found out there was a class offered for kids 3-5 where a parent could go in the water with the child - BUT - she told me that mainly 2 year olds are in that class and Kadin would by far be the oldest kid in there.

I sat Kadin down and asked him if he wanted to take swimming lessons. Of course he shouted out a resounding "Yes!" quickly followed by a whimpered "will you go in the water with me?"

Now, I thought for a moment. Should I just sign him up for the baby class and just be embarrassed that my huge kid is in a class full of babies or should I try and persuade him to go in the "big boy" class with the other kids his age.

Of course I choose to lie like a good mother would - I told him that the only class they offered for kids his age, mommies & daddies had to watch from the side of the pool. After several minutes of assuring him he wouldn't drown and that they'd be in the little kiddie pool not the deep part - he agreed.

Fast forward to today - his first day of swimming lessons. We are extremely rushed because -again - good mother that I am thinks his lessons are on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays. Good thing Dad checked the receipt or he would've missed his first class! Thanks Dad!! Kadin is very anxious about this whole thing and I practically have to push him through the hallway into the pool.

We finally make it to the pool - five minutes late - and we see that the kids are indeed in the deep end . . . not the kiddie pool like I had promised him. OF COURSE! With feet firmly planted on the dry floor he tells me that he is not going to go in the deep end. Ok, so now I'm thinking this is $31.00 completely shot in the . . . yeah ok . . . so my head is spinning thinking of ways to get this kid in the water.

By this time the instructor is calling his name & asking him to come over to the side of the pool - but those little feet are not moving. He just keeps telling me how scared he is. So I give in . . . sort of. I tell him to just "sit" wink, wink on the side of the pool and dip his feet in the water. I told him he didn't have to go in the water if he didn't want to.

He finally agrees that this sounds like a good compromise so he meekly makes his way to the side of the pool and sits down - feet dipping in the cool water. The instructor swims over - bless her heart - and scoops him up and takes him away. With one slightly worried glance in my direction he's off - learning how to swim with the "big boys".

I've never felt a prouder moment as a parent. My scared, somewhat wussy little man was swimming around in that water like a little fish. Ok - he wasn't really swimming, but he was in the water splashing around & stuff - let me have my moment ok!

My boy kicked, he floated, he went UNDER WATER, he JUMPED OFF THE SIDE . . . I was so proud of him my heart was overjoyed with emotion . . . I seriously almost had tears in my eyes. It will be a moment I'll always remember . . . and the look on his little face after the instructor gently placed him on the side of the pool . . . Kadin turned - looked at me and gave me a thumb's up.

Not only was I proud - he was proud too.

A Must-See

I don't watch many movies. I watch even less movies at the theatre.

Over the weekend Brian and I saw The Dark Knight. I have to admit that it wasn't something I was really looking forward to seeing - I basically went because Brian wanted to and because it was time spent with just the two of us.

That movie was 2 1/2 hours long, and when it was over it felt like it had just started. That was hands down one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. I loved the plot, the action and the acting was phenomenal. Heath Ledger played an amazing Joker.

If you haven't seen it yet - go. It was well worth the $8.50 - actually $20.00 after snacks.

Game, Set, Match

Since summer is officially over and school is beginning . . . I am ending the Philina-O-Meter count. Our final tally is . . . . . . . . . . .

78 VISITS!!

Whew! I have to say I am more than slightly relieved that summer has ended and now Kadin and Bella will not be home everyday under the influence of Phillip and his strange ways.

I think I should've kept a count on how many things Phillip broke while he was over instead!