Dear Bella,

I always wanted a baby girl.  I thought that I would know what a girl would need, or want since I was a baby girl once too.  I thought that I would instinctively know how to be a better mother to a girl ...  that I would somehow always know just what you would need.

I sometimes feel like you've been cheated.  What I thought would be great "girly" mothering instincts have turned out to be fumbling awkward moments at times.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe I've let you down ... that perhaps I haven't been the best mom.

I'm not sure how I could adequately express how much I adore you Isabella.  It's like trying to describe a beautiful sunset to someone who is blind.  To truly appreciate the beauty of a sunset you have to experience it.  This holds true with my feelings for you.  One day when you are a mother yourself, perhaps you will truly appreciate my adoration of you.

When I look at you, I see me.  Not in your personality, but certainly in your physical appearance.  The way you look at six, is the same way I did when I was your age.  I love that!  I love that when people see you, they say you look like me.  It makes me feel like you belong to me ... like you were meant to be my daughter ... like it was truly God's plan.

Every day you make me proud.  Your first year of school has by far been one of my proudest moments.  The way you thrived in kindergarten and how you not only grew so much as a student, but also as a friend to your peers simply amazed me!  I seriously think your teacher secretly wished you were hers to take home!  The way she would talk about you made me so proud to say I was your mother.   

There are so many facets to your personality that make you so unique and special Isabella.  I love your artistic side.  I love the girl that will sit in her room and color and draw.  The thoughtful girl that will make pictures for everyone and take the extra time to put it in an envelope, sealed with love.  In fact just today I was the proud recipient of two puzzles and a coloring page.  Our refrigerator is filled with your masterpieces. 

I love that you will sit and write in your diary.  That you will ask how to spell every word so it is written correctly.  I love how you will make up the stories, but claim they are true when you read them out loud. (which I'm pretty sure you do just to annoy your brother!)  I love that you keep it tucked in your drawer under your bed and sometimes I'll find you drawing in there before you go to sleep at night.

You are my clumsy girl that even at six, still manages to fall out of her chair at dinner.  You have spilled your milk more times than I can count and each time we sit down at the table to eat, Reese circles under your chair to gobble up everything that you drop.  Although this drives me insane ... you would much rather eat with your fingers than bother with utensils, and when I think I can't take it anymore ... I hear your laughter as you banter with Kadin and the sound simply melts my heart.

It gets tough sometimes between you and I.  You are only six yet it feels like we bicker as if you were a teenager.  I worry about our relationship and how it will evolve as you grow.  I know we will not see eye-to-eye in every situation, but I never want you to doubt my love for you or how proud I am of you.  You will always be one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given in my life.

I Love You,

Mom           

Moostache

We went to dinner last Friday.  As we were leaving the restaurant they had candy machines by the exit.  Mixed in with all the candy were a few machines with trinkets and toys.  There was a fuzzy mustache machine.  For a quarter you could buy a fuzzy mustache.  It made me laugh out loud.

We didn't have any change at the time and I promised the kids we would go back during the week to buy some fuzzy mustaches.

We rode our bikes there on Monday...walked up to the door and it was locked.  Apparently the place wasn't open on Mondays.  Bella was so upset, she actually cried.

We tried again tonight.  They were open.  $1.00 later we were the proud owners of four fuzzy mustaches.  The kids were delighted.

Kadin look like Mario, Bella looked like Luigi and I looked like John Axford.  It was fun.  We laughed a lot.  Then we Skyped Brian to show off our new facial hair.

It was a good night.

Oh...and Bella called hers a moostache.

Great, Now I'm Rambling...

I have no idea what direction this post is going to go.  I'm crabby tonight and I'm tired.  It seems like the days go by so fast, yet here I am still stuck in this life of being a single parent with seemingly no end in sight.  I think I have transitioned out of the sad and lonely feeling to simply feeling annoyed and tired.

Things at work are crazy.  I feel like I don't accomplish anything unless I am going full throttle all day long like today.  When I do that, I feel so exhausted by the time I get home that I don't feel like doing anything.  Unfortunately, when I am here alone I can't just plop down on the sofa and take a nap.  The kids have to be bathed, the flowers need to be watered, the laundry needs to be done.  Plus, I'm selfish ... I like to have a little "me" time too.

I like my job, but sometimes my boss just irritates me.  I don't really have the luxury of staying late anymore considering my mother is usually watching my kids all day long.  I think that annoys my boss.  He's the type that expects you to be there when HE needs you.  Doesn't matter that you may get in to work a whole hour before he does ... if it's 6:00 and he needs something ... then dammit you'd better be there. 

He once had a talk with me about what time I take my lunch breaks (that is when I actually take a lunch).  He was annoyed that I sometimes would take my lunch at different times.  I couldn't believe I was actually hearing him say that to me!!  I felt like telling him that when he takes his lunch at the same time every day, then I will start as well.  Jerk...

Brian keeps counting down the days until he's finished with school.  I think after this week it will be 5 weeks left.  That still seems like an eternity to me and I find myself getting annoyed with him constantly bringing it up.  I don't need to be reminded...I don't want to be reminded.  When I hear 5 weeks it makes me want to scream.

I keep waiting for normal.  I keep forgetting that I'm not sure what our normal will be.  As much as I'm looking forward to this chapter coming to a close...the book isn't close to being finished.  I have no idea what to expect moving forward.  I know Brian's life right now is filled with the excitement and hard work of a new career.  It seems nowhere near what my life is like.  I feel exhausted, scared and maybe a bit resentful.  Not that I want to change careers, but I never do anything for myself. 

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine and we were discussing the differences between men and women.  I'm not sure a woman or mother would do what Brian is doing.  I don't think a mother would leave her family to go back to school because she was unhappy with her job choice.  That sounds harsh...it sounds like I'm angry with Brian.  Maybe a part of me is...angry...for leaving me...us.  It is that same part of me that mourns for the loss of my old life. 

I know if the tables were turned...I wouldn't do what Brian is doing.  BUT...I don't think that is a negative reflection on Brian...I would never fault him for going after something he wants.  If anything, I'm jealous.  I wish I had the courage to do more things for myself.

The kids Skyped Brian tonight.  It always is excruciating.  They either fight about the tiny camera space there is or they are so loud I can't even hear what Brian is saying.  Tonight I just didn't want any part of it.  I don't want to Skype!!!!  I want him here next to me ... I want to tell him about my shitty day and I want him to listen to all of it.  I don't want to compete over Bella singing and Kadin recapping the tv show we just watched.  I just want it to be him and me ...

I guess I just have to wait another 5 weeks ...  

You Never Know What The Future Holds

I will soon be the wife of a police officer.  It sounds weird.  I'm still not sure it has sunk in that come September Brian will not be going back to his teaching job and my life will not return to the normal I had become accustomed to.  I think maybe that is part of the reason why this transition period is so hard for me.  There really is no end to the change.  It's not like once he is finally home from training our life will go back to the way it was.  Our schedule as a family will be forever altered.

I can't say I'm not sad about that.  I am mourning the loss of that life.  I'm not exactly sure what our new life is going to look like.  In his new job, Brian is going to encounter many new potentially life-altering experiences.  He will potentially see death up close ... violence ... he will be faced with some of the worst people society has to offer ... terrible things done to innocent children.  I'm afraid those experiences are going to change him.

Now I know what you're thinking ... we don't exactly live in a thriving metropolis where violence is running rampant.  I realize this.  But the thought of my husband being faced with those situations and having to deal with them ... I'm not sure how I can relate to that.  I'm not sure if I can relate at all.

Part of Brian's training involved being shot with a tazer.  He came home on Friday armed with a video of the ordeal.  He sat down with Kadin and Bella and wanted to show them this video of him getting shot with a tazer.  I was appalled ... why in the world would you want to show our children a video of you being physically hurt????  He asked me if I wanted to watch it ... ummm ... no ... was my immediate answer.  So, he played it for the kids.  It had sound ... I could hear the sound of the gun go off ... the sound of the officer yelling ... "tazer, tazer, tazer" and then the horrible sound of my husband groaning in pain.  I was sick ... Bella's face was twisted up in horror.

"I want to play it again ... they shot it from two different angles."  WHAT??????  The thought of having to listen to that terrible sound again made me want to burst into tears and scream at him.  As he started to play the video again, I got up, walked out of the living room and hid in my closet and cried. 

The whole rest of the night it was all anyone could talk about.  Kadin talked non-stop about the video ... it was the topic of conversation when people called or with people we happened to see.  Each time they spoke about it all I could hear was that groaning sound and the lump in my throat returned.  I think Brian finally could see how uncomfortable I was with this topic ... I started noticing when Kadin would bring it up Brian would try and shush him.  I know to an 8 year old it is probably pretty cool that your dad got shot with a tazer gun.  To me, it opened my eyes to the potential harm that could come to Brian with this job.     

I feel like I'm on the edge ... just barely holding it together sometimes.  I feel overwhelmed and afraid of what lies ahead.  I don't want Brian to change.  I certainly don't want him to get hurt.  I miss him so much ... still.        

Day Two, You Suck

When I said the first day was the hardest, maybe that wasn't exactly true.  Maybe it will be the first week or the first month.  All I know is this is hard ... damn hard.

When I found out that Brian would essentially be living away from home for 3 months all I thought about was the kids ... specifically Bella.  It is no secret that she adores her daddy and I was immediately concerned for her.  I had no idea how she would react to her sole provider being only me.  Then I thought to how I would be the sole provider of everything during the week.  OMG!!!  No one to back me up ... no one to play tag team when the kids were just driving me insane.

I guess I was so concerned with how the kids were going to feel that I forgot to think about how I was going to feel.  You want to know how I feel?  I feel like crap ... that's how I feel. 

By the time I finish this post it will probably be almost midnight.  MIDNIGHT.  Nerissa doesn't stay up until midnight.  But for some reason I can't sleep.  The thought of crawling into my bed ... alone ... makes me want to cry ... which I have ... each night so far.  It's like after the chaos of my day is gone and the house is quiet, I feel empty.  My bed is way too big for just me and all the open space makes me sad.

I hate change.  I know this about myself.  I am not surprised that I am not dealing well with this.  Brian will come home tomorrow and after three days he will be gone again.  Rinse, wash, repeat ... over and over again for 3 months.  THREE MONTHS!!!!!  Holy crap ...  I'm not sure I can do this for 3 months.

I am so proud of Brian ... I really am.  I commend him for having the courage to chase something he wants.  That is a part of who he is, and what makes him the man I love so much.  But after these two days I've been flooded with so many different emotions.  I went from feeling this intense love, to a deep depression, to anger and feelings of insecurity.  I am completely overwhelmed with emotions and I'm not sure how to process them all.

One thing I'm struggling with is this sense of loss of control.  I feel like we are going to be living completely separate lives and that scares the hell out of me.  He will be meeting new people and experiencing so many new things ... what if he comes back different?  What if he wants different things when he returns?  I know marriage is constantly evolving and changing, but I also know that nothing is forever and nothing is guaranteed.  These are the things that consume me in the quiet lonliness of my empty bed when I can't seem to sleep or turn my head off.

I am spent.  Good riddens day two.  You may have been better than the first day, but you still sucked.

 

The First Day Is The Hardest

Not so long ago ... I wasn't a very good wife.  It wasn't that I didn't love my husband ... I think it was more that I didn't show him love or more specifically I didn't know how to show him.  Oh, I adored him, not that he would've known it ... but I did.  The problem was that for years I never really showed him how much he meant to me.
I think after awhile, it got so bad for him that he just shut himself off from me.  The sad thing was that things had gotten so bad between us that I didn't even notice the pain he was in.  Of course knowing what I know now I could definitely see there was a problem, but not then ... not in the moment.
When everything exploded, and my life as I knew it was different ... he was there ... almost a shell of a man I thought I knew ... a man that I was completely certain I was going to grow old with.  My f o r e v e r.  BUT ... I don't think he believed that f o r e v e r would include me anymore.  I had broken him ... to the point where I wasn't sure there was a way to fix all the "broken" I had done. 

I can't say I blame him.  Etched in my memory is this picture of my love ... my husband ... staring at me from his place on the couch ... his eyes were cold ... an emotionless face.  As I sat and put everything on the line ... let down my walls and said all the things I should've said for years and never did, he sat there, just listening ... emotionless.

I knew it was bad.  Very, very bad.  The weeks following that night on the couch were some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Trying to fix myself ... trying to fix Brian ... trying to fix US ... trying to be the wife that he deserved.  Then somehow ... very slowly I started to hope.  I started to get glimmers of the man I loved ... it was like waking him up from a coma.  It was slow ... painstaking ... and absolutely amazing.

Then one day several months after the explosion ... I was at work sitting at my computer when an email from Brian popped up on my computer screen.  It said three simple words ... "I love you".  I'm not sure if he even remembers sending it, but it is a message I will never forget.  I read those three words and immediately burst into tears ... ran from my desk and sat in a bathroom stall trying to compose myself.  He loved me ... after everything we had been through ... he still loved me. 

Tonight Brian left for the police academy.  He will be living in Green Bay during the week and coming home on weekends.  We were trying out Skype on the computer and I sent him a quick instant message that I loved him ... he replied "I love you too!"  I started to cry.  I was immediately catapulted back in time ... to that same girl sitting in front of her computer screen clinging to the hope of a new future.

I love my husband ... more than I could ever express in words.  His absence in this house is overwhelming to me, but I know from experience that the first day is always the hardest.               

When Your "Girl" Is Actually A Boy

Eight years ago when I found out I was going to be a mother, I envisioned the child I was carrying was going to be a girl. All my thoughts about motherhood revolved around a daughter. When I found out Kadin was a boy, I was nervous. My experience with boys was nonexistant and I found myself wondering what in the world I was going to do with a little boy.

Of course any mother knows that in the end it really doesn't matter what the sex of your child is. After Kadin was born and I truly learned how to be his mother ... it was almost like it was meant to be all along.

Kadin truly adores me. Even now, at almost eight years old, he repeatedly will tell me how much he loves me. Man, do I love that kid. For some reason, I think Kadin has always gravitated slightly toward me. I seem to be the one he goes to if he's hurt or upset. It may not be as pronounced now that he is getting older, but in my heart I know it to be true.

Bella, on the other hand ... seems to want nothing to do with me. Unlike Kadin's slight gravitation toward me ... Bella almost has a repulsion from me. She is very vocal about her adoration for her dad and it is very clear in her actions and words to me.

I'm not sure when exactly this "Daddy" complex began. When she was a baby, I truly don't remember her favoring either one of us. It seemed to have started in the last couple of years. At first I thought it was just another phase that kids seem to go through. Now, I'm not so sure.

Brian and I joke all the time about how much Bella favors him over me. I have truly tried not to let it bother me, but damn ... it's not easy. When you watch your daughter continuously pick your husband over you for every task ... every hug ... every book reading ... it starts to creep into your soul.

Sometimes I find myself playing the blame game. Did I treat her differently because she was the second born? Do I subconciously favor Kadin and not even realize it? Do I not tell her how much she means to me enough?

Tonight Brian wasn't home. She had a book she brought home from school that she was supposed to read. During the reading she became frustrated because she was having difficulty with some of the words. She began to pout ... and not cooperate. I got stearn with her and made her continue with the book and forced her to sound out the words. She finished the book and actually did a great job. I was trying to tell her what a great job she did and I could see in her face that she was mad. I'm sure a part of her was mad at me for forcing her to continue; I also think she was a bit mad at herself.

She was on the verge of tears and I asked her if she was mad. She nodded that she was ... as she began to cry. I told her that if she was mad at me it was ok, and as I started to explain to her the reason why I wanted her to keep reading she blurted out ... "I want daddy!"

And there it was ... just like a knife into my heart. It seriously felt like a sucker punch right to the gut. She was upset and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me ... again. I put her to bed ... went into the bathroom and cried.

She's five. I know she doesn't get it ... I know she isn't trying to hurt me on purpose. But damn ... I just wanted to scream at her ... "LOOK, I AM YOUR MOTHER!!!! YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS NOT JUST ONE!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

All those years ago, I envisioned myself parenting a little girl. Now I have one and I have no idea what I'm doing.