Day Two, You Suck

When I said the first day was the hardest, maybe that wasn't exactly true.  Maybe it will be the first week or the first month.  All I know is this is hard ... damn hard.

When I found out that Brian would essentially be living away from home for 3 months all I thought about was the kids ... specifically Bella.  It is no secret that she adores her daddy and I was immediately concerned for her.  I had no idea how she would react to her sole provider being only me.  Then I thought to how I would be the sole provider of everything during the week.  OMG!!!  No one to back me up ... no one to play tag team when the kids were just driving me insane.

I guess I was so concerned with how the kids were going to feel that I forgot to think about how I was going to feel.  You want to know how I feel?  I feel like crap ... that's how I feel. 

By the time I finish this post it will probably be almost midnight.  MIDNIGHT.  Nerissa doesn't stay up until midnight.  But for some reason I can't sleep.  The thought of crawling into my bed ... alone ... makes me want to cry ... which I have ... each night so far.  It's like after the chaos of my day is gone and the house is quiet, I feel empty.  My bed is way too big for just me and all the open space makes me sad.

I hate change.  I know this about myself.  I am not surprised that I am not dealing well with this.  Brian will come home tomorrow and after three days he will be gone again.  Rinse, wash, repeat ... over and over again for 3 months.  THREE MONTHS!!!!!  Holy crap ...  I'm not sure I can do this for 3 months.

I am so proud of Brian ... I really am.  I commend him for having the courage to chase something he wants.  That is a part of who he is, and what makes him the man I love so much.  But after these two days I've been flooded with so many different emotions.  I went from feeling this intense love, to a deep depression, to anger and feelings of insecurity.  I am completely overwhelmed with emotions and I'm not sure how to process them all.

One thing I'm struggling with is this sense of loss of control.  I feel like we are going to be living completely separate lives and that scares the hell out of me.  He will be meeting new people and experiencing so many new things ... what if he comes back different?  What if he wants different things when he returns?  I know marriage is constantly evolving and changing, but I also know that nothing is forever and nothing is guaranteed.  These are the things that consume me in the quiet lonliness of my empty bed when I can't seem to sleep or turn my head off.

I am spent.  Good riddens day two.  You may have been better than the first day, but you still sucked.