Blink . . . Another Week Gone

Hello blog . . . it's me, Nerissa. Remember me . . . Lord knows it's been awhile.

Shoot! Is it Friday already?? Man, my sincere apologies to all my faithful readers (if there are any) who wait anxiously by their computer screen to catch a new witty post from yours truly . . . ahem . . . so maybe you are not waiting by your computer screen, but I do know that there are some of you out there . . . right?

So, it's Friday and the week has flown by mainly because I am overworked and underpaid - did I mention that I had to take a 5% pay cut? Yeah, everyone in the company did . . . to cut costs . . . great. Brian told me that I should work 5% less . . . great concept, too bad it doesn't work. I've never seen so many people work so much and not accomplish anything.

This week was the last week of our financial audit. Any of you that know anything about accounting know that audits suck. Audits = a group of people looking over everything you've done with a fine-tooth comb. To be honest, it actually wasn't as bad as I was expecting and I really only had to totally make stuff up a couple of times which I deem a personal success. BUT not everyone had it so easy and one of my co-workers had a particularly tough week. She said to me today that on her way to work this morning she wished she would've gone into the ditch so she wouldn't have had to come in. Seriously . . . who thinks that?? Was she serious?? I'm not sure . . . but I feel extremely sad for her if she was.

I'm also counting down the days until my overly obsessive, controlling, bitchy boss-from-hell comes back from maternity leave. I really wish all of you knew her . . . because the level of anxiety people feel about her return would mean so much more if you did. I guess it's a good thing I still know how to make file folder labels . . . I'm sure that skill will come in handy in 5 weeks and four days - not that we're counting . . .

Anyway . . . tomorrow morning bright and early I am heading down to Milwaukee to take another stab at wedding dress shopping with Jules. I gave her implicit instructions that this time we would not leave the dress shop without a damn dress!!! Ummm . . . perhaps I didn't say it quite like that, but if I am going to be pulling on and off 50 more dresses for her - she is going to buy one . . . end of discussion.

I know this is going to sound really stupid, but I'm actually afraid to drive there. This is seriously the first time I have ever driven there by myself. I've probably gone there 2 dozen times, but I have never done it alone. I think I have some form of OCD because I become obsessive about all the things that could go wrong . . . what if I get a flat tire, what if my car breaks down, what if I get lost and when I try to call Julie my cell phone dies . . . what if I get in an accident . . . I think I could "what if" myself to death!!! AND my OCD will not allow me to leave without my cell phone completely charged, which it is doing right now, I had to print out directions from MapQuest even though I know how to get there . . . and I'm going to make sure I have the number to AAA handy just in case. Who does that???? Seriously people . . . what the heck is wrong with me?

Ok - I have laundry to put away and a bag to pack . . . and a sleepless night to get through - which will undoubtedly be filled with dreams about all the ways my car will end up on the side of the freeway. Sweet dreams!

Not Me Monday

A day when I will relish in the things I certainly did not do . . .

I did not put Wall-E in for the kids to watch just so I could take a nap. And then I certainly did not tell Bella that I couldn't play with her because I was "watching" the movie . . . nope - didn't happen.

We did not threaten our children that if they didn't get their coats on we would leave them home by themselves . . . and then when said threat didn't work we certainly did not proceed to put on our coats and shoes and walk out the door to try and scare them. When they didn't even notice that we were gone we completely did not call them from our cell phone while peeking through the front door and lie to them that we were at a restaurant . . . no way . . . didn't happen.

I did not get a lecture on how television will make your "eyes square" from our 9-year-old neighbor and he did not proceed to tell me that the reason he and his sister can't come over to play is because our television is always on. And just for the record - if that conversation would have actually happened I would not have told that little snotty-nosed kid that we most certainly DO NOT have our television on all the time and that hello - television does NOT MAKE YOUR EYES SQUARE!!! Phew . . . good thing that never happened . . . little punk . . .

I certainly did not go outside and shovel the newly fallen snow wearing my husband's snow pants because mine are too tight in the waste . . . and when asked why I was wearing his pants I did not tell him that the reason I was wearing his pants was because mine were too short . . . nope - don't remember that at all . . .

I certainly do not allow my children to play nicely amongst themselves on some mornings when they get up too early and I am too tired to be a parent. I am certainly not looking forward to the day when they can get their own drinks and make themselves breakfast so I can sleep in until 8:00 . . . nope, not me. And just to prove that I am not completely lazy . . . I absolutely did not try and make a trade with Brian that he would get up with the kids if I gave him a back rub . . .

So there you have it . . . what have you not done lately?

Only In My Life . . .

can you go to a video store and have your son pick out a video . . .

only to place it on a shelf amongst the other 572 videos and then have no clue where he put it.

And yes, we do frequent the video store way too much, but heck it's my birthday so who can pass up a free video!

Oh - and in case you're wondering . . . . .


We never found it.

The Case Of The Clean Underwear

Mysteries involving my children always intrigue me. Little questions that I don't know the answers to and I probably don't want to know yet my curiosity gets the best of me . . . like "why is there urine in the bathroom garbage can?" Or "why do you smell like pancake syrup?"

So I got home from work on Monday and I noticed there was a plastic bag sitting on top of the washing machine. This is not unusual to find since my babysitter wraps up any "messy" clothes in plastic bags to bring home for me to wash. So I opened the bag and I found a pair of Kadin's pants and a pair of socks.

Hmmm . . . now when I say "messy" clothes I mean that someone wet themselves or pooped themselves and these are the little treasures I find in the plastic bags. So now I am curious as to why Kadin's pants are wet, yet there are no underwear to be found . . . and what's up with the socks??

Me: Kadin - did you have an accident today at Lucinda's?

Kadin: Yes.

Me: So where are your underwear?

Kadin: I'm wearing them.

Gasp . . . how could she leave him in dirty underwear???

Me: How did your pants get dirty but not your underwear?

Kadin: Ummm . . . I don't know.

Me: You don't know? Then how did your socks get all wet?

Kadin: My foot went in the toilet.

Me: What??? Your foot went in the toilet? How does that even happen?

Kadin: You know Mom . . . I climb on the seat when I get on the toilet and my foot slipped and landed inside the toilet bowl.

Me: Chuckling Oh buddy . . . yuck. So did you get toilet water on your pants too?

Kadin: No, I pooped on my pants.

Me: Ok . . . forget I asked.

The Best Game of Hide 'n Seek Ever

Brian and Isabella were playing hide 'n seek today. Since Bella is only two and not particularly good at this game . . . her big brother would usually come to the rescue. BUT today Kadin's attention was focused on the TV and the Transformer's video that was playing so poor little Bella was all on her own . . . and it showed . . .

It was Brian's turn to hide. Bella was upstairs counting . . .

Bella - "Fifteen, sixteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five . . . eighty . . . eighty-one . . . ready . . . I come!"

In the meantime . . . Daddy had come downstairs and "hid" on the sofa underneath Bella's prized possession . . . her Dora blanket.

I heard Bella looking around upstairs . . . yelling for Brian. Then I heard her scoot on her butt down the stairs and sure enough she came barrelling into the family room. She looked in the playroom - nothing . . . she looked in the family room (mind you Brian is literally sitting on the sofa with her blanket thrown over himself) - nothing. She went into the spare bedroom - yelling his name - nope not in there either.

By this time Kadin and I are just laughing hysterically . . . and we can't believe how oblivious she is to her Dora blanket taking on the shape of a person sitting on the sofa!! So I tried to be nice and give her a hint . . .

Me - "Bella, why don't you look by the sofa?"

Of course her brother had other ideas . . .

Kadin - "Don't listen to Mom! Daddy's in the bedroom Bella!"

So off she went into the bedroom again . . . looked and yelled for her daddy - nope still not there.

She came back into the family room and now it was obvious she was getting a bit frustrated. At this point she was yelling for a hint and I was just speechless as to how this game was progressing . . .

Me - "Isabella . . . your dad is on the sofa. Go and look by the sofa."

Kadin - "No Bella!!! Daddy is in the bedroom . . . Mom isn't telling the truth!! Go in the bedroom Bella!"

So she dutifully ignored me completely and headed back into the bedroom for a third time. I could see that Kadin was enjoying this little game way too much and this poor girl was never going to find her daddy. She looked around for a bit and came back into the family room (keep in mind she was standing directly in front of Brian) and just looked perplexed. She honestly had no clue where he could be.

I threw Kadin a "look" as he was about to send her on another wild goose chase.

Me - "Bella - look under your Dora blanket. I think Daddy is under your Dora blanket."

Geesh - how much more of a stinking hint can you give???

She went over to her blanket and pulled back the corner . . . you won't believe what she found!!

Bella - "Aaaahhhh!!! Daddy!!!!!!"

She then proceeded to roll around on the floor in a gut-busting laugh. It was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

Good thing she's so cute, because she completely stinks at hide 'n seek!

Too funny . . .

We ate supper tonight at a restaurant and Brian had just finished squirting some ketchup on his fries when our waitress came over to ask how our food was. . .

We finished telling her how fabulous our meal was and Kadin proceeded to tell her . . .

"Our ketchup bottle just made a farting sound when Daddy squirted the ketchup!"

The waitress politely smiled and said "Oh, would you like a different bottle?"

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While I was away in Minnesota my mom asked Isabella where I was . . .

"She's in Appleton with Julie buying a table."

I was really in Minnesota helping Julie find a wedding dress . . .

The Best Intentions

I'm not sure why sometimes I feel like I'm a crafty person. Maybe it's because I read all these other blogs of mothers that do crafts with their kids and they have so much fun and make such cute things . . .

So, I had this idea that since this is Kadin's first year giving out Valentine's for school . . . how cool would it be if we made them?!?

I have a book full of fun crafty projects for kids of all ages - a book that I have NEVER made a single thing out of. So I dusted the cobwebs off the book and flipped to the Valentine section and found an easy card that I thought Kadin and I could work on together. It was different sized hearts glued together to look like a bunny . . . easy . . .

So one night I stayed up and traced all the hearts out of red construction paper so Kadin could cut them out. The next day while I was making dinner I had him cut the hearts . . . he did a great job! So all the hearts were cut . . . the next day it was time to glue and put them together.





I guess I didn't take into consideration the attention span of a five-year old. Did I actually think he would sit at the table with me long enough to make 16 cards!! Well the resounding answer to that question is no . . . he made one . . . and I proceeded to make 5 of them . . . and then I gave up.


That is the one card Kadin made by himself. I think it's cute, but we only made 6 of them . . . not nearly enough for his class.

His Valentine party is tomorrow . . . and he won't be handing out our homemade Valentine's . . . instead he will be giving the kids Spiderman cards from Walmart . . .

At least I tried!

Just Us Girls

I know I've written about this before, but I can't stop gushing about how lucky I am to have such wonderful women in my life . . . especially after a great weekend like the one I had.

I just got back from a weekend visiting my two oldest and dearest friends and as if that wasn't cool enough alone, we were wedding dress shopping!! I can't tell you how excited I was for the weekend to come . . . just me and my girls . . . no kids, no work, no worries and that is exactly how the weekend went.

We went to our first appointment at a crowded dress shop and I can tell you from the look on Julie's face, she was less than enthusiastic about trying on a bunch of dresses. My friend Wendy and I went hog wild picking up six dresses just from the first rack we looked at! I think Julie took one look at what we had grabbed and perhaps thought she had made a mistake in bringing us along!

We put on, we took off, we clipped and fluffed and took her back and forth to the mirror about 40 times and by the end I could tell that we all were having the time of our lives. What a moment . . . sitting in that dress shop surrounded by my two best friends in the whole world - one of which was donning a wedding dress - and all I could think about was how those were the moments I lived for. In that moment, there was no place I would rather have been than by her side helping her to begin the next chapter in her life. Awesome stuff!

Two dress shops later - my arms were sore, I was sweaty and I had patches on my hands where the skin was rubbed off by endless layers of satin, beads and tulle and we had no dress to show for it. In all those dresses, she just didn't quite find the one and honestly . . . I would be lying if I said I was disappointed because now I get to go with her and do it all over again!!

Wendy - thanks for your hospitality and showing us around the city you call home. Coming back to my home and my life makes me realize how much I miss you! Julie - I am honored to be a part of this journey with you . . . thanks for allowing me to share it and give you my two cents along the way.

I love you both . . . thanks for a great weekend!

What They Hear . . .

I'm convinced that when Brian and I talk to our kids they don't necessarily hear what we are saying . . .

What was said . . .

"Kadin, please put your coat on."

What was heard . . .

"Kadin, go ahead and run into your room and play for awhile."

What was said . . .

"We need to clip your fingernails tonight."

What was heard . . .

"I am going to rip each one of your fingernails off with a tweezers."

What was said . . .

"Ok - we're going to leave now, so let's go"

What was heard . . .

"Ok - go ahead and run away from me . . . I really do think it's fun!"

What was said . . .

"Please come to the dinner table, it is time to eat."

What was heard . . .

"Just keep sitting in that chair completely ignoring me. We know you don't like what's for dinner anyway."

What was said . . .

"Please help pick up some of these toys."

What was heard . . .

"No, you don't need to help. Just relax and watch us pick up these toys."

I'm sure I had this same disability when I was young. Apparently it is a condition that corrects itself . . . I guess we'll see.

25 Things . . .

Here are 25 things you may or may not have known about me . . .

1. I NEVER clean the shower . . . never.

2. I am a chronic over-eater.

3. I love to color in coloring books.

4. I have an obsession with buying candles.

5. I have very few close friends.

6. I'm convinced Kadin has ADD.

7. On most days I seriously doubt my parenting skills.

8. I absolutely LOVE my home.

9. I enjoy living close to my parents and grandparents.

10. I have a passion for baking.

11. I wish I would read more books.

12. The thought of losing my husband terrifies me.

13. I wish I had Kadin's imagination.

14. I'm going through a sliced apples with natural peanut butter phase.

15. I am not comfortable with my body image.

16. I only own one pair of nylons and have only worn them twice.

17. My husband buys most of my clothes.

18. I don't wear any makeup.

19. I love going to the dentist.

20. I have a horrible habit of chewing the skin on my fingers.

21. I don't watch much television.

22. I don't like to drive for long periods of time by myself.

23. I am needy.

24. Every night before I go to bed, I watch each of my children sleep.

25. I've realized that I don't ever want a dog as a pet.

A Weekend Filled With Crap

Catchy title huh? Too bad it's true . . . literally.

I'm not sure what is going on with my son these days. Yesterday was a beautiful warm day and Kadin's neighbor friends came over and wanted him to play outside. So before I loaded him into his snow gear I specifically asked him if he needed to use the bathroom first . . . of course I got the "No Mom!" and he was out the door.

A little while later a tearful Kadin came to the door and said his famous catch phrase that he always says when he has done something wrong and knows he's going to be in trouble . . . "You're not going to like this" he says. Come to find out that he went potty in his pants . . . poop. Poop was literally smeared all over his underwear and bottom . . . Brian got him cleaned up and he headed back outside while I threw the poopy pants in the wash.

Today - we were literally headed out the door to go grocery shopping and Kadin suddenly disappeared. Brian found our son in the bathroom . . . surrounded by piles of poop on the floor. Yes, piles of poop.

I cannot even begin to describe the level of grossness I found in this bathroom. It was like the scene out of a horror show . . . there was poop on the floor, poop smeared all over his legs, butt and penis, poop on his pants and underwear and the smell that was coming from that room was like the decomposition of a dead body.

I am a mom. I have cleaned up poopy pants and diapers . . . cleaned up puke with all sorts of food in it . . . cleaned up diarrhea . . . had a juicy fart spray in my face . . . I am no stranger to disgusting things.

However, there was something about picking up five-year old sized warm turds off of my bathroom floor that just sent me over the edge. I was a mess . . . I gagged, almost threw up . . . all the while breathing through my mouth because I was certain if one tiny sniff of that poop entered my nostrils my breakfast would be added to the smoldering piles of poop still lingering on the floor.

If Bella and Brian weren't sitting in their coats waiting for me to clean up this mess I think I would've just thrown Kadin in the bathtub . . . BUT instead I went through half a roll of toilet paper, a whole container of wet wipes and 15 disinfecting wipes to scrub down the floor. I must have flushed the toilet 10 times and I felt like I needed to dip my hands in bleach when I was done.

Kadin, of course, was not nearly as traumatized. Once he had his clean underwear and pants on he hopped down the hallway like nothing had happened. What the . . . you just crapped all over the floor!!!!

Let's hope this is not a phase . . . and I'm considering installing a camera in our bathroom because if this ever happens again . . . I need to seriously know how in the world it occurs . . .