The Mystery Of Public Toilets

I am confident that any parent of a toddler will relate to this story.

It never fails that when we visit any public place - be it a grocery store or department store, we will visit the public toilet multiple times. I swear my children grow bladders the size of kidney beans whenever we are out.

So, needless to say it was not a shock when Kadin informed me that he had to go poop while we were in Menard's over the weekend. Before I continue, let me preface this story by telling you that my son is the s l o w e s t pooper I have ever seen. I'm not completely sure what he does while he's in there, but I definitely know it's not just doing his "business".

I'm already dreading this scenario that I'm facing, so I try to slyly sneak away with Kadin to the restroom because I know if Bella catches wind of this she will miraculously have to potty as well. So I tell Kadin to run toward the bathroom and as we are almost out of sight . . . there comes Bella . . . and yup you guessed it . . . she has to pee! Great!

Two kids . . . public restroom . . . one adult. I'm not liking my odds here. So I get Kadin situated in his stall, then steer Bella into another stall. Keep in mind I am holding my purse, Kadin's jacket, Bella's jacket and Bella's purse all while trying to get her pants down and get her on the toilet while maneuvering in a tiny stall that I can hardly fit in when I'm alone much less carrying all that crap and having another human being in there.

Bella finally gets on the toilet and then she tells me that she needs privacy. Umm yeah . . . there is seriously no way I am squeezing out of that stall, so I am forced to face the door while she tries to squeeze out one tiny drop of pee since I know damn well she didn't really need to go in the first place.

So . . . pee drop out . . . now I am trying to help her wipe and put her pants back on while I'm still holding two purses and two jackets. We somehow manage to emerge from the stall like clowns filing out of a tiny car and now it's time to wash our hands. Oh yeah - and I did have another kid in here . . . . . . . "Kadin you still good bud?" yup he's still pooping.

We head over to the sink which I can see is not kid friendly and is covered in grimy water from the last people that washed their hands. Bella is trying to stand on her toes to reach - what I'm not sure since she is easily two feet too short to even reach the sink . . . she manages so soak her entire sleeve with the grimy water that is pooling on the counter. So now she is crying about her wet sleeve and as I'm trying to coral her over to the dryer I hear Kadin starting to cry.

GREAT!!!

"Kadin, what's the matter?"

"My poop is dry or something!! I can't wipe!!"

Seriously . . . now I have to wipe his butt too??? This is just too good to be true. I get Bella's sleeve somewhat dried and put her coat back on and give her back her purse. I head over to Kadin's stall and I find him completely naked from the waste down . . . no pants, no underwear, no shoes . . . and as if that didn't disturb me enough . . . his clothes were balled up under the toilet and he was stepping on them.

Thoughts are now racing through my mind of all the things that could possibly be around the bottom of a public toilet . . . and now all those things are nestled up against my child's clothes. I was frozen . . . I seriously couldn't bring myself to touch those clothes, much less put them back on him!!!

"Kadin, bend over so Mommy can help you wipe." OMG!!! There is poop smeared all over his butt cheeks!!!! AND because he takes F O R E V E R to crap it has now dried on there. This is why every smart mother keeps wet wipes in her purse . . . unfortunately I am not a smart mother so I have to improvise. As I'm spitting on pieces of toilet paper, trying to rub the poop off my son's buttocks . . . I look over to find Isabella crawling around on the floor like a dog and peeking under the stall doors.

"BELLA!!! What are you doing!!! Get up off that dirty floor and quit looking under those doors . . . that's naughty!!"

At this point any ounce of composure I may have had disappeared with thoughts of my daughter's hands touching places that were possibly covered in . . . well you can use your imaginations.

Back to the spitting and the wiping . . . all the while thinking - "just get me out of here, just get me out of here."

"Kadin, stop moving around . . . I'm almost done. Bella - don't put your purse on the floor! Get out of the garbage!!!!"

My lost composure has now given way to just completely giving up. My kids have touched so many parts of this disgusting bathroom that we may as well have had a picnic in there - heck just eaten right off the damn floor. I try and push the thoughts of vomiting to the back of my mind as I try to get myself out of this god-for-saken bathroom that it feels we have now been in for the entire evening!! And all I wanted to do was look at swings . . .

With Kadin's clothes back on he finally heads toward the sink. Yup . . . entire sleeve in grimy water. You knew that was going to happen didn't you??

Brian finally calls my cell phone to see what was taking us so long . . . I think he regretted making that call . . . HA!