Thoughts From My Chariot To Hell

I look at my life and think I'm pretty blessed. In fact ... when I really sit and think about it ... something that I don't often do ... I wonder why me? Why did God bless me with two healthy children when so many people have sick kids? Why did God pair me with a loving partner who does WAY more than his fair share ... when so many people are alone ... raising their children as single parents?

I feel like I should be down on my knees in prayer ... thanking the Lord for my every blessing. But do I? Sadly ... no ... at least not very often. And when I get to that place when I start to think about these things ... my mind starts to wonder ... when? When is the shoe going to drop ... when is my happily ever after going to come to a screeching halt? I can't be happy and content forever ...

There is a running joke that I'm on a chariot to Hell ... that I am the charioteer in fact. I am steering my own course straight to the depths of Hell ... why you ask??? Because in my life that is rich with God's blessings and love ... I sometimes think and do things like this ....

The neighbor girl's voice sounds like an alien. (I know ... and my kid touches himself, but we're not talking about Kadin right now) I catch myself actually making fun of her voice in my head when she is over playing princesses in Bella's room. It is screechy and loud and it has a funny pitch. I often wonder if it's something she will grow out of ... or if she's going to sound like that for her whole life. She is four.

Kadin comes home every day with projects he made at school. I quickly look at them and immediately want to throw them away. All I can think about is how I don't have enough room to possibly keep every little scribble and glittery piece of artwork. I hide them in the corner for a few days and eventually take them downstairs and shred them. Now before you think I'm a completely horrible mother - I do keep some things he makes ... gheesh!

I'm semi-convinced that Bella may have a learning disability. She's simply not that bright. She still talks in baby talk, eats crayons and when we ask her about her day she gives a blank stare like she can't understand what we're saying. I think she may have smacked her head one to many times during her developmental years ... she will be living with us until she's 40.

I hate Phillip the neighbor boy. Brian and I routinely make fun of him ... in particular ... ... ... no we pretty much make fun of everything about him. He looks like a goon and he continually tries to bribe the kids to come over to his yard since he is banned from ours. I enjoy seeing him watch the kids play from the hedge ... knowing that he can't participate ... and seeing how much fun the kids are having without him. Sometimes I will give the kids treats just so he can watch them eat it ... insert evil laugh here ... or I'll bring out something really fun just so he can watch them play with it.

Christina, Phillips sister, has a lazy eye. Her right eye looks in a completely different direction than her left eye. Living in the 21st Century ... I question why her parents didn't take her to a physician to have that corrected. When we first met her I was concerned that perhaps Kadin would stare at her ... or ask her what was wrong with her eye. I don't think he even notices ... I'm the one that has a problem with it ... I wonder if she can see in two different directions like a super hero? And when the sun is really bright I notice that she has to keep that eye closed ... like a pirate. I find myself saying "ARGHH ... me can't find me treasure" when I see her with her squinty eye. She is six.

Ok ... so, maybe I embellished a few things just a bit ... or did I?