The Day I Went To School And Regretted It

Last night was Parents' Night at Kadin's school. A night when parents could chat with their child's teacher and learn about what they do during the day ... the activities, the curriculum ... the whole deal. It was a night for parents only ... leave the kids at home and come and learn about how your child is learning. Sounded pretty cool ...

So Brian and I were planning to attend ... that is until Brian decided to get sick. I am in no way implying he got sick on purpose to miss this function ... I'm just tellin' it like it is, because frankly I'm a bit pissy today ... ahem ...

So ... I was flying solo on the Parents' Night ... it was just Parent Night for me. So I arrived at Kadin's classroom promptly at 5:30 and I was the first one there.

"Hi, am I the first one?"

"Yes ... come on in and have a seat."

I should have known that going to anything alone regarding school never works out well for me ... remember the incident with Kadin wailing in the hallway at the final parent outreach activity I attended? Don't remember that goodie ... go here.

So Kadin's teacher approaches me and I quickly realize that she already knows I am Kadin's mom. Not a good sign - not so sure.

"Umm ... I wanted to discuss something with you about Kadin."

Oh great ... it's only the third week of school and I'm already having this conversation??? Why did I show up to this thing???

"Oh ... sure. What is it?"

"Well, today Kadin was complaining that he was itchy." As she makes a scratching motion on her side. "So, I just thought you should know ... that he's been itching ... quite a bit"

"Oh ... ok." I have no clue what this woman is talking about. Itching ... what does he have a rash I don't know about ... is he allergic to something??? At this point I am utterly confused.

"I told Kadin that if he feels like he needs to itch himself ... then perhaps he should go to the restroom."

Hmmmm .... restroom for itching .... not really following this woman at all ...

"Normally when I see a student itching himself three times I make it a point to make sure the parent is aware that this is happening."

Alrighty ... itching ... restroom ... the light is finally turning on in the head ... yeah when she says "itching" what she really means is grabbing and when she made the motion on her side what she really should have done was grab her crotch ...

She was politely ... albeit awkwardly trying to tell me that my son obsessively grabs his junk during school. Awesome ... and the only reason I put two and two together is because he does this at home ... at the store ... at restaurants ... basically everywhere - so of course ... why wouldn't he do it at school. Awesome ...

How do you correct this behavior??? Seriously??? As Kadin's teacher and I continued to chat ... I was thinking to myself ... does she really think we didn't know he was doing this?? Like maybe at our house we all grab ourselves and this is where he picked it up?

Brian and I have tried everything we can think of ... we tried ignoring it ... we tried different kinds of underwear (the kid has more underwear than Brian and I combined!) ... I tried telling him that once he started school he couldn't do that in front of the other kids because it wasn't appropriate ... I tried telling him that people would always think he had to go potty. Absolutely NOTHING has worked.

In the meantime, Kadin's teacher continued to share her thoughts with me ... "Normally I would be more disturbed if I thought the child was playing with himself ... but I don't think that's the case here."

Yeah - great ... that makes this whole situation that much less humiliating for me ... thanks so much! What do you say to that?? Ummm ... really ... because I'm pretty sure he's just jacking off right there in your class ... OMG!!! If I could've fit under those damn little tables I would have crawled underneath and dug my way through the floor and out of that god-for-saken classroom ... but instead I calmly replied ...

"Oh no ... I don't think he's doing that at all ... I really think it's just a habit."

AAAGHHH!! Someone. Shoot. Me. Now.

I'm not sure I'll ever go back there ... I think next time Brian can brave it alone.