Just A Toddler, Not Yet A Boy

Kadin seems to be growing up so fast that sometimes I forget he is still little. He has become much more independent since he's started school and just seems so grown up to me . . . then something will happen that reminds me of how small and fragile he can still be.

About a week ago I was putting the kids to bed and I had just left Kadin's room after saying my "good night's" and "I love you's". He was only in his room maybe two minutes and he came out into the kitchen crying. At first I thought he was just playing a game with me so I laughed a little and asked him what could possibly make him so upset in two minutes??

He tearfully told me that he didn't want to die, didn't want me to die or Daddy to die either. "You aren't going to die are you Mommy?" His eyes were welling up with tears as I scooped him into my arms. I took him back to his room and held him for awhile on his bed. He wrapped his arms so tightly around my neck and I rubbed his back as we rocked back & forth.

Just a couple nights ago it happened again. We put Kadin to bed and five minutes later he was standing in the living room. I asked him what was wrong . . . and he said that he was thinking about scary things again.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

"I was thinking about that time I went down that blue water slide, and about getting shots, and about you and Daddy dying."

At this point his little voice started to quiver as he stood in front of me and instantly I saw my boy transform into my little baby again. I scooped him up again and took him to his room. He held on tightly to my neck as we sat on his bed together. I just rocked him, listening to him breathe and I told him how much Daddy and I loved him and how he never needed to be afraid of anything.

As I sat there I started to think . . . about how much I was going to miss those times. Those times when he just needed Mommy to hold him and cuddle with him . . . how he had already grown up too fast. I sat frozen in that one moment, there in the low light of his bedroom just the sound of his clock ticking and his warm breathe on my neck. All the while I wondered if maybe that would be one of the last times I would hold him like that.

It was so strange . . . I became so emotional that it actually surprised me. So many times I wished for him to be a boy . . . now I just want him to stay a toddler just a little bit longer . . . to hold on to those days with both hands and try like hell not to let him grow.